The Emotional Worship Conundrum

Tonight I went for a walk...kind of a later walk then I would normally take but I made the mistake of having Starbucks late in the day and thought it might help use up some of the lingering (albeit totally worth it) caffeine...As I was walking I looked up and noticed the absolutely breathtaking clear night sky filled to overflowing with so many brilliant stars, one could not count them in a lifetime.   A view I don't normally miss due to earlier walks.   All of a sudden I was completely overcome with gratitude.    Gratitude that the Lord would choose to, in all His glory and majesty, love us.    That with all His power and Majesty He still chose to sacrifice His son....that He would have done it all for even one of us.   It blows me away.  My eyes filled with tears and I spent the next few moments in thankful praise.       It brought to mind this question, What place does emotion have in a worship experience?     I recently have had a few different conversations with people about this topic.   One of those conversations was with my sister who visited from California recently.    We were discussing the worship service we attended at my church and she stated how she does not like emotional worship experiences because to her, worship isn't about the emotions but rather the act of praise, and sometimes the emotional piece of it can become a distraction or a forced reaction...and can also take away from the Biblical foundation because we base truth on how we feel rather then what the Bible says.    It really got me thinking about my own approach to worship, both leading and congregational.     It can be very easy to make emotion the focus....Letting emotion induce the atmosphere rather then the atmosphere induce emotion.   In other words, allowing the Holy Spirit to move and in His doing so, bring about a genuine emotional response, rather then forcing an emotional interaction with the Father to make oneself feel as though they had a true worship experience.    

  I googled the topic and at least a dozen articles popped up on the subject.   People questioning emotions in worship, people promoting or criticizing it...My personal take is this... I think that all people are different.   No two relationships with the Father are the same...and I believe as a result of this we all respond differently to the moving of His Spirit.     The key to a worship experience....music or otherwise, is that the presence of the Lord is there and that your heart be purposed to bring Him glory, show Him gratitude, and stand in a place of reverent expectation.    Whatever that may look like.  I do believe though, that in sweet moments with the Lord where He shows us more of His heart, or reveals something to us that we needed to hear, causing us to repent.   Or times when we feel close to Him and feel the warmth of His embrace, or spend time in intercession for another in need.... Some of these things can, and even should bring out an emotional response.     He is not reliant nor dependent on our emotional state.    He does not change because we feel Him more one day then the next.   He is not trying to be relevant or trendy.    He is everlasting and His love for us never changes.   But I do believe that when the Spirit moves, it can change our experience....it can help to move our heart towards Him....to soften a tough spot, to tear down a wall, to build a bridge or bring healing.     If we start out in worship with the intention of being brought to tears, then we are not really ready for what the Spirit has for us.   But remaining vulnerable to His moving, may just take us into new territory.   This morning during our worship service, there was a woman who was so overcome with joy that she spent much of one of the songs in laughter....it was the most precious thing and brought me to a place of joy because it was so evident that her laughter was the overflow of her heart.   Not a forced reaction but an involuntary response.   By nature I am an emotional person but I find it so contagious when those around me are filled with joy, gratitude, and reverence toward the Lord.   It even sometimes it can help to pull me out of a place of complacency, or distraction.    Psalm 98:4-9 says 

4

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth,

    burst into jubilant song with music;

5 

make music to the Lord with the harp,

    with the harp and the sound of singing,

6 

with trumpets and the blast of the ram’s horn—

    shout for joy before the Lord, the King.

7 

Let the sea resound, and everything in it,

    the world, and all who live in it.

8 

Let the rivers clap their hands,

    let the mountains sing together for joy;

9 

let them sing before the Lord,

    for he comes to judge the earth.

He will judge the world in righteousness

    and the peoples with equity 

Worship is the Bible has many uses, many places of prevalence and it is not always the cry for help or shout of joy.  Sometimes music is used as a weapon against the enemy and sometimes it is used as a battle cry.   Other times it is an overflow of praise to the King of Kings.   But I cannot help but wonder if there were not some tears of joy as this Psalm was sung.   If there wasn't some laughter as these words were lifted up the the Father.    He knows the heart of man....and if it is for Him, then let every tear, every cry, every laugh, every shout, be for His glory.

Benchmarking Our Ministry

Earlier this week I had to complete a training for my day job.   At first I was not thrilled as this training was in 5 parts and took around 6 hours to complete.    But it was required so I set aside some time and got it done.    In one of the sessions, it talked about different methods for measuring performance against the industry standards or industry "best in class".   Obviously, this pertains to my daily work however it really got me thinking about music and ministry.     One of the measuring tools I learned is called Benchmarking.   It's where other companies in the same type of work, consider you (or you them) the industry leader and Benchmark you as the goal to surpass.   The standard to achieve and reach beyond.   I started to think....How does this apply to ministry related work, and what does the Bible say about how we should pursue our ministry?
Hebrews 12:1 says
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.   And let us run with perseverance the race marked out before us"
A few things I noted in this passage.   First, we are to surrounded by cheerleaders.  Those who have gone before us.   They are cheering us on....providing a benchmark of faith and perseverance for us as we run our own race.   Second, we are to throw of everything that hinders and the sin that entangles us to run with perseverance.    A race cannot be finished without endurance.   We are not in this alone and we must strive to make it to the end, not half heartedly, but still going strong.   Lastly, It's the race marked out before us....our race is marked.   Marked by goals, marked by growth, marked by those who have already gone ahead.    I have run many races as an adult.   And while the race is up to me to complete, seeing the footsteps of those before you, can push you to keep going when you grow tired or week.  Like benchmarks to follow behind.
Then there is the parable of the men with the three servants in Matthew chapter 5 verses 14-30.  The Bible tells us that the master goes away for a time and entrusts his servants with money while he is gone.  One with 5 bags of silver, one with 2 and one with 1.    The man with 5 invests and earns 5 more, the man with 2 invests and earns 2 more and the man with one is afraid and buries his in the ground.   When the master returns he is pleased with the first 2 men and angry with the third because he did not reap a harvest from the money.  He calls his "wicked and lazy".    In this scenario, the man with the 5 bags is the benchmark.   Although the man with 2 bags had less, they both made the most of what they had by doubling profits, and were both given more responsibilities.  I imagine that maybe the man with two bags may have looked at the man with 5 and followed his lead, knowing that he was wise and trust worthy.   The man with one....perhaps intimidated that he received the least.  Perhaps unmotivated because he figured he was not as trusted as the other two servants.   Perhaps he thought "what is one more bag for the master who is so rich already?" so he decided not to bother.   He decided to keep the money safe without using it for good.   If he instead had pushed himself, if he had instead chosen to follow the path of the other servants, he would have pleased his master and received more responsibilities as a good and faithful servant.

As a little girl, I dreamed of one day taking that stage, at the Dove Awards, or Grammy's and accepting an award for song of the year or perhaps new artist of the year (don't lie, you've made up fake speeches too)...As I got older I began to feel that not only was this a long shot dream but perhaps even a frivolous one.   I began to feel guilty even thinking about it or being at all motivated by it.    But here's the thing....I am realizing that setting a benchmark for myself, while not the purpose or sole motivation of my ministry, does push me.   It does make me work harder, practice harder, pay more attention to the craft.    It's easy to get lazy.....it's easy to make excuses or be afraid.  It's easy to slack on practicing or settle on a lyric.   It's easy to write alone rather then with someone because it's vulnerable and intimidating.   It's easy to turn down an opportunity because it might be challenging. But should the opposite not be true?   Should we not try even harder?   Should we not work for God and not man?
 Colossians 3:23-24 says "Whoever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.  It is the Lord Christ you are serving."
I am not saying we should all consider our benchmark to be an award ceremony or a hit song.   You may even be thinking "I don't write or sing or play so what does this have to do with me?" But it is for every part of our lives as Colossians says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart..." There are others who have gone before us, others around us, walking out there lives in similar callings, and perhaps we can use their examples to push us forward.   To help us make goals and pursuits that keep us running toward the prize.     Keep us pushing toward excellence, so that when we meet our Master we will hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant"

Garbage City

Today I was reminded of a trip I took about 8 years ago.

It was a missions trip to Egypt and Syria.    A 10-day journey filled with worship, ministry, baba ganouch, and spiritual warfare.    Before we left for the trip we spent weeks together as a team praying for each other and for those we would encounter.   We talked about the power of prayer, hearing from the Lord, praying for pictures or visions to encourage others, and praying against our own struggles and strongholds.   For me it was fear.   I knew that this trip would potentially be filled with danger.   We were going to a place where I was told, they did not like Americans, and where they certainly do not like Christians.  At the time, the wars and battles going on today were not waging the way they are now but in my heart I knew it was not something to be taken lightly.     A few days before we left the Lord gave me a dream that filled me with such peace that I knew He had heard our prayers and was walking with us.   

 I will never forget the feeling walking off the plane in Damascus after a 12 hour flight.   We were tired and a bit jet lagged and yet there was this tangible, heaviness.   It felt like a great weight, and magnification of a spiritual war.    I have never in all my life felt anything like it.    You would hear the sounds of the Muslim call to prayer multiple times a day….There were thousands upon thousands of satellites on buildings everywhere, covered in dust, that we were told had thousands of channels most of which were porn.   It was desert covered with historical monuments that served as reminders of the heritage of slavery and redemption of God’s chosen people.    It was like standing in the aftermath of a war, and yet having the sense that the war was still going on.  A spiritual battle that could not be seen but only felt.    I remember thinking in that moment, that suddenly all of my struggles seemed to be magnified, but yet at the same time all of my strengths were magnified as well, like a veil was lifted and suddenly there was this heightened sense of reality.    Was this because of all our prayers?   Was this the Lord showing us a glimpse of the spiritual world?   Was this the results of thousands of years of spiritual battles over God’s people and His territory?  Or perhaps due to a people more desperate for God because of real, ever present, life-threatening persecution?  Perhaps all of the above…

Over the next few days we were taken on a tour of many of the Egyptian monuments and churches.    We were blessed to have a Christian tour guide who took us to one of the most memorable and significant places I have ever been.   This place was called Garbage City.  It was a place that over the last 100 years or so, has provided a haven for many believers.    To bargain for freedom, Christians agreed to live in this town and collect trash from the local cities.   In exchange, they would be allowed to live and worship in peace.      When you drive into the town it is nothing but torn down, filthy buildings filled with garbage and filth.    It’s hard not to think “how can anyone live here?” but then you make it to the center of the town it opens up to this incredibly beautiful courtyard.   Surrounded gardens and thick sandstone walls, they gather together to eat, play and enjoy each other’s company.   On the walls are dozens of carvings done by 1 man who came to spend time there as a tourist and ended up staying for many years after feeling the Lord’s call.    He carved images from different stories in the Bible, telling such a vivid tale of victory and redemption with such beauty and power.   Within the garbage city community there are a few churches.  They meet multiple time s a week and regularly experience healings and miracles.   And in the center of the courtyard, a man, who does tattoos.    This tattoo is the Coptic Cross.   More familiar now perhaps as more and more refugees find a home here in America.   It is a sign of faith…a declaration of hope, and belief in Jesus Christ.   It is most often put on the right inner wrist so that when you shake someone hand it can be seen.    A few of us decided to get one that day.   In this little hand built station surrounded by loving, kind, grateful people who could not speak English but knew we were family anyway.   People who choose to believed despite their circumstances and challenges.  Who choose to embrace God’s goodness even if it means living with the trash of their enemy.  People with very little of worldly value but rich in faith.  I thank the Lord for my time there.   I thank Him for that experience because it opened my eyes.   And each time I see the tattoo I am reminded of those sweet people.   I am reminded that God still moves and works on behalf of His children.  I am reminded of redemption, and His ever present, ever working Spirit.   I am reminded that here in America where we are comfortable and safe, that sometimes we forget that the war is not against flesh and blood….That there is a battle raging all around us all the time.   That we must stand up and pray….Fight for this country and for our brothers and sisters in Christ who die everyday for Jesus. Romans 12:2

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

In Christ Alone

I recently went to a ladies singer songwriter event called Girls Write Out where a precious group of ladies come together to worship, encourage and fellowship with one another.    This particular day I had not decided if I was going to attend.  I was caught between wanting to go and feeling the pull of daily responsibility and obligation.   As I was thinking about everything I had on my to do list I heard the Lord say "Olivia, you need to go this evening"....It's not often I hear the Lord in such a clear, unmistakable manner.   So I went.   No more excuses, no more hesitation.  

 This evening there was a couple from Scotland who came and spoke to us about their journey in music, ministry, and even real estate.     They spoke about the Lord's guidance and direction....how through complete faith, communion with the Spirit and recognizing and believing in who they are in Christ, the Lord opened incredible doors, and led them on a journey that has brought them into possession of a castle that they grew up spending time in as children.    This castle, to mans eye is magnificent and historical.   To them, it is a landmark of the Lord's presence.   The start of something their country and even the world desperately needs.     A space where the Lord is in control, and able to move in power and glory, drawing people back to Him and standing as a beacon of Hope and favor.     They had an incredible testimony of obedience in faith and resulting favor from the Lord.   It was and is not an easy journey, but a few things they said really stuck out to me.   They talked about habits and behaviors that cultivate a life of creativity, integrity, and honor.   learning to speak life, rather then death over others, situations, even yourself....knowing who we are in Christ and walking from a place of victory rather then striving from a place of defeat.   Walking im faith and trusting God to move, rather then walking blindly hoping the Lord will bless you after the fact.    Not entirely new concepts but admittedly hard to live out on a day to day basis.   It takes action....itentionality.   so i thought....maybe if i understood exactly what life i was speaking.   Exactly what inheritance i am owning, maybe it would help me to live it out each day....scripture says, from the mans heart his mouth speaks.  What do i believe in my heart about who i am in Christ?   Who i am because of Christ?   Who i am with Christ?

Here are some of the things the Bible says about who we are in Christ.

Colossians 2:10-We walk in fullness

10 and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority.

Ephesians 2:4-5-We have life in Christ

4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

Isaiah 54:13-14-Inheritance to Stand upon

13 All your children will be taught by the Lord,
    and great will be their peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
    you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
    it will not come near you.

1 John 5:18-Protection from harm

18 We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them.

Ephesians 1:4-We are chosen and loved

4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blamelessin his sight. In love

Philippians 4:7-Complete Peace

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Ephesians 1:17-18-Wisdom, Revelation, and Hope

17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit[a] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people

Mark 16:17-18-Supernatural Abilities and protection

17 And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18 they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.”

Philippians 4:19-Provision

19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:17-We are made heirs to the kingdom

17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Romans 8:37-Overcoming Power

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

These are just a few of the thousands of verses that talk about who we are and what we have in Christ.   It is His word, His truth to stand upon.

I can remember moments in my life...specific moments, both good and bad, where things were said that marked me.   They bacame assigments i held as truth...things that held me back or gave me doubt where non should have been.   Things that caused me to pause where a pause should not have taken place....I want to replace who I, or others, say I am with the truth of who God says I am.   To live that out and shine that light on others as well.

We all need reminders sometimes when the world is pressing in a little to hard.   I know i needed this reminder.      

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand

In His Peace

There is something i have always struggled with.   Something i have never in my 32 years been able to reconcile completely.      How to be confident.    Let me clarify....It is easy to fake confidence.   To walk in boldness while inside you are filled with fear and doubt.     I have longed for true To believe in who believe I am without the need for confirmation from others.   To stand boldly in my calling and never need to question it.    I realize there are many things that go unspoken and that nothing is ever how it seems.   But this is a topic that for me has always been one of mystery.  I am going to be totally honest here for a minute.    I could never figure out how to be confident without being prideful....where is that sweet spot where you can walk in humility while still having boldness and authority?   This is particularly challenging with ministry.

The world expects you to be cocky.   To be prideful....if you are good at anything you are entitled to walk in a level of authority that flaunts your ability.   And while it can be easy to determine the self serving from the sacrificial in others, sometimes it can be hard to find a balance within yourself.   

Sounds like a silly problem maybe.    A mental hurdle perhaps.    Something that should not really be an issue.   I have tried to talk myself out of feelings if insecurity....telling myself that its ok to be confident in something i know in my heart I am called to.    And every. Single. Time.   Something happens that knocks me down a peg or two.   I know There is a difference bewtween humility and doubt.   Between understanding ones humanness and dependance on the Lord and self deprecation.    But how does one find a place where confidence isnt pride and humility isn't insecurity?      Is it even possible?

I recently got asked to sing on a worship team I haven't been a part of in over a year.    my first response was to be thrilled.    My second response was to be filled with doubt.....fear.   So much so, I actually had a few bad dreams.   Those dreams where everything goes wrong and you forget all the word and you wake up feeling exposed and humiliated.     I mean....Why had it been so long?  Was this a mistake?  Do they really want me there or is this a pity invite?   These were the questions going through my mind...the overthinking, overreacting, unconfident self of mine, could not come up with a good enough explanation.....The enemy was really messing with my mind.   And then...in a quiet moment, I heard the sweet whisper of the Father "Take my peace with you".   Peace?    Wait....what does that have to do with confidence?   Or does it have everything to do with it.....I realized in that moment that what I had contributed to a lack of confidence was actually pride showing up as fear.   Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.    Because in pride I am caring more about myself, and what others think of me then what I am being called to do.   what the Lord wants to do with the gifting He gave me.   The calling He, not man, placed in my life.   And I realized the truth is I am very sure of my calling....it's the circumstances in which He sometimes calls me too that cause me to pause.    And sometimes, what I thought was humility... was actually an excuse to hold back where the Spirit was telling me to move forward.    All of this....all of these struggles, washed away when I realized all I had to do was walk in His peace.

The word peace means "Freedom from disturbance, Quiet, Tranquility"    

We can walk without fear!    We can walk in boldness!   We can walk in His authority as worshippers and Christ followers because in His peace we find freedom!   And even if we face rejection, even if we face failure, even if everything falls apart, in His perfect peace we have all we need.    Every time this week, I have faced something I was unsure about, I have stopped and said, "in His peace....in His peace" and my fear, like a wave, subsides.    

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because He trusts in you.  

The Father's Love

I recently had one of those moments.....those moments where in my deepest, most sincere desires, i longed to be in the physical presence of Jesus.   To be held, covered like a blanket.   To look Him in the eyes and hear Him say "I love you".   I know He is always near, always present through His spirit but there are days that i wish He could wrap His arms around me like a Father with His child.     We are physical beings, created in His image.   I believe the Lord designed relationships, in part to fill that need.   And i know one day, i will get to run into the arms of my Savior.  

   But on this day, as i sat at my desk working, I struggled with the reality that this was not possible....I found myself telling the Lord how i longed for a God sized hug.   A few moments later i happened to look into our bank account and noticed that there was an unexpected deposit from BMI.   It was payment for a song i had written that was used in a tv show a number of times last year.   I had forgotten all about it, and well...it could not have come at a better time for us.   As i sat there i heard the Lord say..."I can't physically hug you but i know your needs.   I am near.   I am closer then you know and I know your heart"   

  I wept.     I wept because He reminded me I am never alone.   I wept because He hears us when we call.   I wept because He knows our love languages.     Because in that moment of unexpected provision, it was as though He reached out and wrapped His arms around me.   Not because of the money itself, but because in that moment of a need being met, I was reminded that the Lord knows us.   He knows us in ways we can and never will know ourselves.   Better then any person we will ever know, better then and love we will ever experience.  

As children of the Creator, He knit us together.   He knows what speaks to our hearts.   What strikes the most tender and meaningful places in our being.     He knows what we need and how we need it.    And if we are paying attention....if we are in tune with the Spirit...we will see those little things he does each day that show us love.

all the things we long for, He is more.   All the things we desire from others, He is more.   God is love.   We know love because He first loved us.    And it occurred to me, God gave His son for us, to die for us, as the greatest act of love the world has ever known.   And that would have been enough.   That single act of love would have required nothing else to be the ultimate and enduring picture of love and faithfulness.    It was enough to change eternity and show us how much we matter to Him.   And yet....He did not stop with that single act.  He started with it.....and the love story will continue for the rest of your life and into eternity.   I cannot wait to see my Savior face to face, but in the meantime I am so thankful that He knows just how to show us His love each and every day.

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure,
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss -
The Father turns His face away,
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory.

He is Enough

Have you ever had a dream?   A dream deep in your heart but you give up on it out of fear or doubt, allowing it to turn into a memory?   Have you ever felt unloved?  or unloving?   Perhaps abandoned by someone close to you or mistreated by someone you thought you could trust....left to feel like a part of you is missing.  
Maybe you feel like your joy was stolen...and every effort to retrieve it has been an exhausting, fruitless process.    Maybe it's discouragement....the dream that seems to be drifting farther and farther away on the sea of uncertainty.      Perhaps it's hardship.   Financial struggles that never seem to let up, pressing on your spirit making each day a little heavier.   Or health concerns that carry with them, fear and questions.   Or perhaps, like me, anxiety gets you.   Pulls you down until you can hardly enjoy even the smallest things without the unjustified, unsettling unrest.
Maybe you have prayed...Like Paul who prayed for the thorn in his flesh to be taken away.    

Paul receives this powerful, precious and pointing answer from the Lord...
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness".
2 Corinthians 12:9

A Few days ago, I was thinking about the time right before we moved into our new home.    For months I prayed that this would be a house of peace.   That everyone who entered it would feel the presence of the Lord and be at peace here.  The Lord has answered this prayer in so many ways for so many people, I am blown away time after time; however I still struggle with anxiety.   How can this be?  How can this house be house of peace and still I feel this way?
One night while talking to the Lord about this I heard the Him say to me "I am peace even when you don't feel it".   And it struck me.....He is peace, He is love, He is Joy, He is truth, He is Hope.....period.    And that doesn't change just because I don't feel it in this moment.   My emotional state does not influence or affect God's character.   If His presence is in this house, His peace is in this house.   Maybe I am simply choosing to listen to the voice of the enemy over that of my Father.  
 He uses us, broken, wounded, weak, full of pain and fear, He uses us.   And sometimes He takes away the thorn, sometimes He uses the thorn to remind us to look to Him.   To keep our eyes on Him.
The definition of Sufficient is Enough.   He is enough.    Regardless of how we feel, what struggles we face, what weaknesses we carry.  He is enough.     I hope to start my year, this new year....looking to Him despite how I feel and trust that He is enough.  He is sufficient for us.