Just Wait Until You Get Here

Sometimes when i talk i fumble a bit....especially when im having an uncomfortable conversation or talking to someone who makes me nervous.  I imagine in my mind a football player...running for the ball, leaping into the air for a heroic catch only to fall slightly short, losing the ball and helping the other team score.   Dramatic maybe....but then again, i am an artist haha!   i think thats why i like to write...you can rewind, erase, start over.  And no one has to know anything you dont choose for them to know.   Its hard to let someone in, and in writing you can do that carefully, strategically, hiding certain places to only reveal what you allow.  Letting someone see just deep enough to glimpse your heart while still protecting the real depth of emotion, struggle and vulnerability we hold inside.   Well sometimes the things the Lord presses on my heart to write about, push a little beyond my comfort zone.  So I have a choice to make...share something personal and even a bit painful in hopes that it might encourage or inspire someone, or stay quiet.  So here it goes.... I have always had a calling on my life to use my musical gifts and talents for the Lord.   I have known since I was a young girl that I was given a gift and tI wanted nothing more then to use it for Him.....when I moved to Nashville 13 years ago, people asked me why I didn't move to Los Angeles since it was so much closer to San Jose where I grew up.    My answer was simple, I wanted to be where Christian music was thriving because I wanted to follow my calling, and go where I felt He was leading me.   But over this past 13 years, no major doors have opened, no songs have made it to radio, no contracts have come across my table.   At times I look back and feel like I have failed.   And from a worldly standpoint, I have.   Was there more I should have done?  Should be doing now?    Did I miss my chance?   Was I wrong in my choice to move here and not L.A.?  I have asked myself these questions so many times over the last few years.   And prayed over all of it for so long.    Over the last year or so, as I have sought Him on this subject, the Lord, in His kindness has shown me much about what it really means to honor Him with our gifts, some of those things I have even written about, but yet, there it is....that nagging feeling.  It always seems to find me, and begin to stir up doubt, fear, and feelings of discontentment.     I'm 100% percent sure that the enemy wants us to feel useless and defeated because it renders us less effective, and he knows just which buttons to push.  But I do believe that when the Lord gives us a calling, we are suppose to pursue it.   We are suppose to use it.   We are not suppose to hide it under a bushel.    I was reminded this past weekend, that it is His gift He has given to us, and it is not our place to determine how it is used.   And because this truth is so hard to swallow, It's to easy to shy away from the calling.   Just like we hide ourselves from others to protect ourselves.  We choose not give Him full access to our hopes, dreams, and gifts for fear He might say "This is not where I want you to go, or this is not what I planned for you".    The truth is, He knows us so much deeper then we could ever pretend to know ourselves    He knows our strengths and weaknesses and how we can best serve Him.    And until this is a truth we can accept and full surrender too we will never be as affective for the kingdom.    So this got me thinking... What if I applied the scripture Matthew 6:33 "Seek First His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things ill be given to you as well" to this part of my life?   What if instead of perusing what, in my mind, is success, I simply said "Lord, I am Your's use me" and left it as that?  What if I trusted that He knows my heart, He knows my dreams, I don't have to strive for anything except His glory and see what He does through that?   What if obedience means completely letting go?
  SO I have decided that rather then stress out about what I am not doing right, what everyone else is doing, or could be doing differently, I would begin to focus on what the Lord is doing.   
This past sunday I was sitting in church having just led worship, listening to a precious group of freshly graduated high school student share about a trip to China they had just returned from.    They shared about their reluctance to go, the fear they experienced, the challenges they faced.   And every single one, shared how the Lord used the trip in huge ways in their lives both spiritually and personally.   In those sweet moments as I sat listening, I thought "This is what it is all about.   The sweet unseen victories, the kingdom work.   All the sweat and tears on earth that lead to lives changed for all eternity"  and just then I heard the Lord say, "Just wait until you get here, just wait until you see the impact you have had for the kingdom, all the earth will pass away but this will remain.  This is eternal and where your heart should be"   I teared up as I sat there with this new revelation that if there is never a moment on earth where I ever again receive applause or any kind of accolade or notice....it doesn't matter.   All of this fades away but the Lord, and His kingdom are forever.   And each one of us has an impact here that we will see when we get to heaven.    Each one of us is reaching for a prize so much greater then anything we may receive here.   And each one of us has a calling, unique and created just for us.  And seeking first the kingdom means laying down our agenda and desires but it does not mean we are forgotten.    Just because there is no number one hit to claim, or a song on national radio, doesn't mean you aren't successful.  Maybe it's time we start looking at things differently...success differently.   I pray for Kingdom eyes to see and a heart that longs for His glory alone and not my own.    Seeking Him first.

Past the Line

In my last blog I talked about who Jesus said He was.    The name He often assigned to Himself.    In the name The Son of Man,  He claimed not only truth but humble truth.   A reminder of His humanness and yet all in the same a reminder of His glory and Might.      This past week I started thinking about what names I assign myself.     Daughter, wife, Stepmom, singer, songwriter, or maybe if I am being totally transparent, worrier, impatient, prideful.    All of these things true through my own eyes.    But what if the name I assigned to myself was, Daughter of the almighty, Child of the King, Beloved, Worshiper?   How would this change not only how I see myself but how I live my life?    One of my friends and I were chatting between services a few weeks ago and she said "The Lord reminded me during worship, that we don't need to touch Jesus's garment like the women in the Bible who touched Jesus and was healed, because Jesus is inside us.   She had to touch Him because His power had not yet come through the holy spirit to all who believe but we have access to Him all the time!"  What a powerful truth and great reminder!    We literally walk around with the Lord living in us every day.     When we assign negative things to ourselves we are choosing to agree with a lie.    
In our neighborhood there are a lot of families with dogs.   There aren't many fences and so a lot of people have electric fences.    The way it works is that you first set out flags in the yard, marking where the point where the dog cannot pass or it will receive a shock.    Once the dog learns not to cross the line, the flags are removed.     Eventually you don't even need to turn the collar on because the dog becomes so use to the line and the potential pain that it doesn't try to leave.     I thought about this the other day within my own life.     Have we becomes so use to the pain and distraction of this world that we don't even try to live in the Power of Christ?   Has disappointment, discouragement, and business, created an invisible fence in our lives?   It can be easier to stay put.....safer even.    But we are not called to live an easy Christian life.   We are not called to comfort and safety.   We are called to cross the line at any cost.   To pick up our cross and follow Christ.
This past Sunday we had guest Rita Springer come share in worship at church.    between services she was sharing about a young women who came to one of her worship seminars called Dive.   This young lady's name was Michelle.   She shared how she hated her name, always had and didn't fully understand why.    during the course of the week long conference, the staff began to pour into her, researching the meaning of her name and God's unique calling on her life.   By the end of the conference, Michelle found new hope in her relationship with the Father and new joy in her name.   Rita went on to share that she kept in touch with this young women for two years until she suddenly dropped off the map.   Rita later found out that this women was no longer a women but had had a sex change and was now a man.   She changed her name to Robert.     My heart broke as she shared this story.  Not just because this sweet person had turned away from the hope they had in Christ but because she rejected her name.   The name given to her.   The enemy had convinced her that she was not who she should be.   Not who Jesus said she was.   That she was not suppose to be a women of God or even a women.      She chose to stop fighting, to stay behind the line and the enemy convinced her a lie was truth.       We are His.   We are His beloved, His redeemed, His bride.   We are cherished, adored, protected.   We are blessed and made righteous through Christ.    We are sons and daughters of the King.   These are just a few of the names given to us in scripture.    It's time to walk boldly in the truth of those names.  The world needs it now more then ever.

The Son of Man

If someone asked you who you were what would you say?  How would you describe yourself? A mother, a surgeon, a songwriter, a brother...maybe a kind person, a diligent worker, an entrepreneur, or an optimistic encourager?   Mostly good though right?    We all, weather we realize it or not, when given the chance talk ourselves up.  Make ourselves sound better then we are.   describe ourselves in a way that leaves people thinking about our good qualities and not our bad.   Just think about the last time you filled out a resume....you point out all of your strengths and abilities, even if they are not relevant to the job you are applying to because it makes you look more competent, intelligent and ultimately more qualified for the job.     Recently I was reading the book of Luke.  I came across a verse in chapter 5 that stuck out to me.   In Luke 5:24 Jesus says "But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins".    I was instantly struck by the title He gave Himself "Son of Man".   Throughout the new testament He has many names given to Him by His disciples and those who loved and followed Him.   He even asks Peter "who do you say I am?"  "You are the Messiah, the Son of the Living God" is He replies.    but Jesus, uses this name "Son of Man" more then any other title for Himself, 30 times in Matthew alone.  It is thought to be in reference to Daniel 7 where it says "Behold, one like the Son of Man, coming with the clouds of heaven!".  And while there is certainly intentionality there, I can't help but think, Jesus did not have to use that designation so many times.     Surely once or twice would have gotten the point across , but instead He used it most often.    We know that Jesus is the humble King.   Come down from heaven, as man and God, to take on the sins of the world, dying in the most horrific, humiliating way for us.   He could have spent His time talking Himself up, reminding us of His All God ness.   His power and authority certainly earned the title, Son of God, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, All Mighty Savior.    He chose instead to remind us of His humanness.    To relate to us with a name that pointed out that He is All Man.   The tremendous amount of humility...the tremendous amount of grace for our humanness it must have taken.   An example like none other of obedience without self seeking.    And while this doesn't mean we should start signing our resumes with "Bad at math" or "loves chocolate too much" It should make us stand that much more in awe of the One who Saves us.   He already died for us, and has already made a way for us to be with Him in eternity, but the more I learn of His character, of His heart for us, the more I realize His humility, and sacrifice deserves our all and our everything.

Call Me Higher

For the last few weeks I have had the song Called Me Higher (By All Sons and Daughters) stuck in my head.   The chosen words are so simple and yet so poignant:
"You have called me higher, You have called me deeper, and I'll go where you lead me Lord"

Over and over in my head those words echoed.   Over and over I thought "Yes Lord, I really mean that, I will go where you lead me, wherever you lead, however you lead".   And truly I meant it.    Over the last few weeks a number of opportunities have come my way, and I found myself, without even thinking, picking through them, deciding which ones I wanted to do and which ones would be too hard, or too late, or not "right" for me.    And then I heard it.... The tender voice of the Lord gently remind me...."You said you would go wherever I lead you".     I realized in that moment that while I do have to maintain balance in my life with my family and work and responsibilities, my motive many times were not really for the Lord but more about me.    Isn't His grace amazing!   That even in our weakness He is faithful and good?

I have been reading through the book of Luke recently and noticed a few things I had never really noticed, or maybe payed attention to before.    The first thing I noticed was the greeting from the Angel.  His very first words to her, his greeting and introduction was "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you."
She was highly favored, I can't imagine the things that must have been going through her mind in those few moments.   The confusion, the honor, the fear....  Chosen to be the Mother of the Savior of the world.   That's a big job, but as I sat thinking about her, it made me realize, she was favored and chosen for a reason.   She was already walking with the Lord, and her relationship with God was so solid, so deep, that after the angel finished explaining everything to her, her response was simply "I am the Lord's servant, May your word to me be fulfilled".   No arguments, no excuses, no complaints.    And while this news was wonderful and meant hope for all mankind, there was still a tremendous amount of sacrifice, pain, sorrow, and fear waiting ahead for her.    She did not hesitate to accept the unknown, knowing that she was called by her Father for this beautiful role.    Her song in Luke chapter 1 says it all...

46 And Mary said:

“My soul glorifies the Lord
47     and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
    of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49     for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
    holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
    from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
    he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
    but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
    but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
    remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
    just as he promised our ancestors.”

Our calling may not be as big as Mary's but we don't always get to choose.   If we are willing then we need to be willing no matter how unglamorous or inconvenient it may be.   If our desire, like Mary, is for the Lord's will to be done and His name to be glorified, then we have to trust His plan above our own....allow Him to use us however He chooses, and be willing to go wherever He leads us

.   May we have a heart willing to say yes without question, to know His ways are bigger then our ways, and to remain in a state where we can see beyond any inconvenience and sacrifice, to go where He Calls Us Higher.

The Front Lines

This past weekend I was scheduled to sing on a vocal team at my church.  Normally this is something I really look forward to.  For some reason this week I didn't feel the same sense of joy or excitement about it...in fact the whole weekend leading up to Sunday I struggled with feelings of depression and lack of motivation.  I know many who struggle with similar difficulties and am no stranger to a bad day...but this was different then anything I've experienced before.  I got up on Sunday morning just hoping to get through the day.  As I drove into the church parking lot that morning, I heard the Lord say "pray against depression this morning.  Pray for those who feel like you do.  Who are struggling to even get up and come to church today.   Those who feel hopeless and weary and tired.    Those who need joy".   And so I did...before each service I prayed.   And during worship I sang from a place on intervention for anyone in the room without the strength to sing or pray for themselves.  As people came forward during prayer time I asked the Lord to bring freedom and joy back to someone who had lost it.  To restore hope and energy to someone feeling hopeless and empty.  I prayed for healing from the weight of despair.  Unsure of who, but knowing the Lord knew.  Knowing that was enough.     I left church still feeling a sense of dread.     I arrived home and sat in the driveway.....waiting.    waiting for a shift in my own heart. Waiting for the weight to lift.   Weighting for a feeling of peace.    Finally I got out of the car and walked inside bracing myself for the rest of the day and within minutes it was as though the Lord reached down and lifted a huge weight off of me.  As though all of a sudden my whole world shifted.   Suddenly I felt complete peace.    Suddenly I felt unspeakable joy.   Suddenly, in that moment I knew exactly what the  Lord had done.    He had healed someone.   He had brought someone out of darkness.    And He allowed me to experience the whole thing so that I would be able to intercede....to press in, for that person, from within the trenches.     I spent the rest of the evening laughing....smiling, filled with such joy and rest.    Humbled that He would use me in such a way.   I keep praying for that person, whoever they are.   That they would continue to walk in hope and joy.   That they would continue to experience the Lord's presence.    And so thankful that we serve a God who loves us that much.          

Worship is so much more then song.  It is warfare and we are on the front lines when we praise Him.    I am thankful for this reminder.  I am thankful for the Lords grace.  

David said it best...

Psalm 29:

1

Ascribe to the Lord, you heavenly beings,

    ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.

2 

Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;

    worship the Lord in the splendor of his[a] holiness.

3 

The voice of the Lord is over the waters;

    the God of glory thunders,

    the Lord thunders over the mighty waters.

4 

The voice of the Lord is powerful;

    the voice of the Lord is majestic.

5 

The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars;

    the Lord breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon.

6 

He makes Lebanon leap like a calf,

    Sirion[b] like a young wild ox.

7 

The voice of the Lord strikes

    with flashes of lightning.

8 

The voice of the Lord shakes the desert;

    the Lord shakes the Desert of Kadesh.

9 

The voice of the Lord twists the oaks[c]

    and strips the forests bare.

And in his temple all cry, “Glory!”

10 

The Lord sits enthroned over the flood;

    the Lord is enthroned as King forever.

11 

The Lord gives strength to his people;

    the Lord blesses his people with peace.

Face to Face

Easter comes every year.   A beautiful reminder of the reason for the hope that we have in Christ.    I look forward to it every year for so many reasons, but this year, there was something so extra precious about it.    In the last few weeks my husband and I lost two friends.   Both tragic and unexpected.   Both young and seemingly healthy.   Both people who to the best of our knowledge, unbelievers.     I have struggled to come to terms with these losses because unlike a believers passing, there is little to feel but sadness.    I have been praying wholeheartedly that the Lord would draw near to the families and use these circumstances to somehow bring hope.    But I can't even imagine the pain without the joy of knowing my loved one is in the arms of the Father.    And that reminder for me, has made the Easter season that much sweeter.   It is the crux of it.    We have this hope!   We have the answer to the question of eternal life.  And on top of that, we are loved.   So loved that this very weekend we celebrate, not for chocolate bunnies or Easter baskets, we celebrate the ultimate gift.   The ultimate sacrifice.   The ultimate breaking of the great chain of death.     That God with such great love, would choose to give His only Son, and Jesus His son would choose to faithfully obey His Father, and be the sacrifice we needed.     John 14:29-31 says 

29 I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. 30 I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me, 31 but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.

“Come now; let us leave.

These verses remind us that it was a choice.   God chose to send His son, and Jesus chose obedience unto death for us.   

This week as I dwell on the impact of this truth, I can't help but be reminded of the importance of sharing this good news.    I don't know weather or not our friends had been exposed to the truth and chose to reject it, or maybe at some point accepted and walked away.   Maybe there was a time when they truly excepted the Lord and are in heaven now....we will not know until our time comes.     But it made me think.    The apostles spread the Gospel worldwide without Facebook, Instagram, the internet, or any other form of connection.  They went out and preached the truth and people heard and believed.    They did not shy away from rejection or persecution but went out and spoke truth face to face.  And while the tools we have access to are great and can be used for so much good....are we hiding behind the ease of a perfectly phrased sentence, or timely image we share on special occasions instead of the vulnerability and raw nature of a real conversation?    It is so much easier to plan and prepare what you want to share.  Has this become how we witness?    I find myself sometimes realizing that I use my social media accounts as a bit of an excuse at times.   Like buying a salad to justify my fresh fries....a salad is great but does not undo the calories I consume in the french fries.     A post cannot do what a conversation can do.     Memes have there place, and they might even inspire, encourage, and uplift.   But true ministry happens when we get out of our comfort zones and spend time with people.   The truth is so much more powerful coming from the lips of a believer.  Unrehearsed, passionate, challenging... We have the biggest news mankind has ever known....and this past Sunday is a reminder of just how great our Savior is.....just how marvelous is His love for us.    We should tell the whole world...shout it from the rooftops!   Go and preach the good news!  And maybe....and I'm challenging myself in this as well....we should try it face to face.   

The Emotional Worship Conundrum

Tonight I went for a walk...kind of a later walk then I would normally take but I made the mistake of having Starbucks late in the day and thought it might help use up some of the lingering (albeit totally worth it) caffeine...As I was walking I looked up and noticed the absolutely breathtaking clear night sky filled to overflowing with so many brilliant stars, one could not count them in a lifetime.   A view I don't normally miss due to earlier walks.   All of a sudden I was completely overcome with gratitude.    Gratitude that the Lord would choose to, in all His glory and majesty, love us.    That with all His power and Majesty He still chose to sacrifice His son....that He would have done it all for even one of us.   It blows me away.  My eyes filled with tears and I spent the next few moments in thankful praise.       It brought to mind this question, What place does emotion have in a worship experience?     I recently have had a few different conversations with people about this topic.   One of those conversations was with my sister who visited from California recently.    We were discussing the worship service we attended at my church and she stated how she does not like emotional worship experiences because to her, worship isn't about the emotions but rather the act of praise, and sometimes the emotional piece of it can become a distraction or a forced reaction...and can also take away from the Biblical foundation because we base truth on how we feel rather then what the Bible says.    It really got me thinking about my own approach to worship, both leading and congregational.     It can be very easy to make emotion the focus....Letting emotion induce the atmosphere rather then the atmosphere induce emotion.   In other words, allowing the Holy Spirit to move and in His doing so, bring about a genuine emotional response, rather then forcing an emotional interaction with the Father to make oneself feel as though they had a true worship experience.    

  I googled the topic and at least a dozen articles popped up on the subject.   People questioning emotions in worship, people promoting or criticizing it...My personal take is this... I think that all people are different.   No two relationships with the Father are the same...and I believe as a result of this we all respond differently to the moving of His Spirit.     The key to a worship experience....music or otherwise, is that the presence of the Lord is there and that your heart be purposed to bring Him glory, show Him gratitude, and stand in a place of reverent expectation.    Whatever that may look like.  I do believe though, that in sweet moments with the Lord where He shows us more of His heart, or reveals something to us that we needed to hear, causing us to repent.   Or times when we feel close to Him and feel the warmth of His embrace, or spend time in intercession for another in need.... Some of these things can, and even should bring out an emotional response.     He is not reliant nor dependent on our emotional state.    He does not change because we feel Him more one day then the next.   He is not trying to be relevant or trendy.    He is everlasting and His love for us never changes.   But I do believe that when the Spirit moves, it can change our experience....it can help to move our heart towards Him....to soften a tough spot, to tear down a wall, to build a bridge or bring healing.     If we start out in worship with the intention of being brought to tears, then we are not really ready for what the Spirit has for us.   But remaining vulnerable to His moving, may just take us into new territory.   This morning during our worship service, there was a woman who was so overcome with joy that she spent much of one of the songs in laughter....it was the most precious thing and brought me to a place of joy because it was so evident that her laughter was the overflow of her heart.   Not a forced reaction but an involuntary response.   By nature I am an emotional person but I find it so contagious when those around me are filled with joy, gratitude, and reverence toward the Lord.   It even sometimes it can help to pull me out of a place of complacency, or distraction.    Psalm 98:4-9 says 

4

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth,

    burst into jubilant song with music;

5 

make music to the Lord with the harp,

    with the harp and the sound of singing,

6 

with trumpets and the blast of the ram’s horn—

    shout for joy before the Lord, the King.

7 

Let the sea resound, and everything in it,

    the world, and all who live in it.

8 

Let the rivers clap their hands,

    let the mountains sing together for joy;

9 

let them sing before the Lord,

    for he comes to judge the earth.

He will judge the world in righteousness

    and the peoples with equity 

Worship is the Bible has many uses, many places of prevalence and it is not always the cry for help or shout of joy.  Sometimes music is used as a weapon against the enemy and sometimes it is used as a battle cry.   Other times it is an overflow of praise to the King of Kings.   But I cannot help but wonder if there were not some tears of joy as this Psalm was sung.   If there wasn't some laughter as these words were lifted up the the Father.    He knows the heart of man....and if it is for Him, then let every tear, every cry, every laugh, every shout, be for His glory.