In the Stillness He is Waiting

It seems to happen on Sundays.    That moment when the Lord grabs my heart, looks me straight in the eyes, and points out that thing...that thing that I have been ignoring or unaware of that needed adjusting.   A spiritual shake up.   It’s not that I don’t spend time with the Lord during the week…but there is something about that time on Sunday, when all of your attention is focused on nothing but His presence, and what He wants to say, that really gives Him an opportunity to speak.    I realized first, that I have been struggling with a few things recently that stem from a place of fear.    And rather than addressing the fear, I try to mask it by keeping busy.    I have been having so many conversations with people lately who struggle with anxiety, myself included...and I realized secondarily, that one thing we all have in common is a struggle with being still.    To truly be still.   Not just sitting still while your mind is entertained by an app or a T.V. program (which let’s be honest we all probably do pretty well).   Not just being still in the car between errands.    It’s like we are running.   Perhaps from fear of failure, we push to try and succeed.   Maybe it’s a fear of vulnerability, we stay busy so that we do not have to face the state of our own heart.  Maybe it’s out of habit.  We have become so use to being busy that it feels wrong to stop.  Maybe it’s out of obligation.  There is so much on our plate that we have no choice but to run from one thing to the next just to keep afloat.    Whatever the reason, or reasons may be…on Sunday, in that moment I had a bit of a double revelation.

I do not practice the act of stillness in my life.    Not regularly anyway.  

 The Bible tells us to be still.  In fact, it tells us over and over.   And it’s different than rest, which the Bible also talks about and it is hugely important and necessary for a healthy life.   But to be still, that is different action entirely. 

To rest means, to cease work or movement, and recover strength.  We need this for our physically, mentally, and emotionally well-being.      But to be still, this is a deep silence.  A calm.    An act of the heart and mind.     This is a time when we choose to block out the world, to submit our thoughts to the Lord, remember who He is, meditate on His truth, and allow Him to speak.  Allow Him to move on our behalf, allow Him to mend, heal, and restore, with no agenda of our own.   I am realizing for myself, that in order to be still, I have to make it a practice.    Something that needs to become a daily, a part of my routine.   A time when I step away from every distraction, every noise, every task or duty.  Where it’s just me and Jesus.    Just my heart and His.    A time when I step outside of my busy life, not to recover but to relinquish, remember, and reflect.  If we do not choose to stop, the to do list will win every time.

In God’s Word we see many verses on the subject

Zachariah 2:13 tells us to “Be still before the Lord, all mankind”

Psalm 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God”

Exodus 14:14 reminds us that “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still”

Habakkuk 2:20 declares “The Lord is in His holy temple.  All the earth –Be quiet in His presence.”

Just to name a few….

I wonder if the Lord, in all His wisdom, knew before time began, that we humans would have the tendency to go.    To move and not stop, and in our busyness, even with the best of intention, lose sight of Him.  To let our own momentum move us, and then wonder why we end up feeling so far away from peace.  And I wonder, if the Lord in all His wisdom, knew that if we kept going, without stopping to be still, that we would find ourselves feeling an emptiness and fear that causes us to work even harder to fill the void rather than taking a moment to stop.  Be still.  And let Him, the Almighty, the one who fights for us, the Lord of Lords and God of peace, enter into our hearts and minds.    What if Stillness was the rule not the exception?  What if we went against everything our schedule was telling us we should be doing, for a moment or two?  How would our lives look then?  How would He be glorified in and through us?  I want to experience more of Him, and maybe, in the very place where everything else falls away…In the stillness He is there waiting to meet us.

In Tune With the Spirit

A few weeks ago i led worship at a small church in bellevue there I lead about once a month.   They are such sweet people who love the Lord and have a deep sence of fellowship.    I found myself at the end of the service, feeling rather discouraged however, at the lack of response during the worship time. Afterwards I thought about it, and even with a few small technical difficulties, the songs flowed well, people sang along, and I checked all the right worship boxes.   Yet somehow it still seemed to fall flat.     I know the Lord can work in our weakness and I pray He moved in ways i could not see....but afterwards i could not help but feel as though i had walked through motions that led nowhere.    I always try to go into each worship time, weather I am leading or not, with the mindset that worship is not a performance but rather a time of reflecting, rejoicing, listening, and honoring the Lord.   It is a time for Him to speak, for Him to move, and for us to lift His name.    But....like anything else we do often enough, it can become habitual.  It can become, over rehearsed.  As I sat down and Pastor Chuck began to speak, I heard the Lord gently and lovingly say that while my intensions were pure, i had walked in that morning with an expectation.    Not an expectation of His presence, but rather, an expectation for the experience itself.     Instead of surrendering to His plan and purpose...instead of trusting Him to move.   Worship that morning for me was, a practiced procedure of sorts.    

My dear friend Cherie and i recently got together with another friend of mine, Shay, to write a song.   She had recorded the melody into her phone and then played it for Shay so that he could figure out what key it should be in.  After playing the first few lines, he started plunking out notes on his keyboard.   After a minute, struggling to find the right key, I started to wonder what was going on, then he said "Cherie you sang that in between two keys!", She said "What do you mean?" He answered " You are literally in between two keys...perfectly on pitch with yourself but not actually in a real key" We had a good laugh and adjusted the key to the right place, but later i got to thinking....that happems sometimes when we lose site of the Lord.   We become less aware of His presence when we don't consciously engage with Him each time we enter into His presence.    We sing, the words are all there, the music is there, we may even raise our hands, or clap to the rhythm.   But the pitch is slightly off.   Not quite centered, not quite on point.       

I was reading through Luke recently and read this passage in chapter 18 

35 As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging.36 When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. 37 They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.”

38 He called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

39 Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

40 Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, 41 “What do you want me to do for you?”

“Lord, I want to see,” he replied.

42 Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.”43 Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God

"Those who led the way" probably thought they were singing right in tune.    They were so enthusiastically following Christ, walking through the motions, leading the way with confidence and authority, but so blinded to the heart of Christ.   To those in need.  To the movement of the Holy Spirit.   I can picture in my mind that they were so consumed with their own agenda that when Jesus stopped to help the blind man, they kept right on going, not even looking behind to see that He had stopped.    Yet the blind man....after fighting to be seen, fighting to be heard, upon receiving His site, did not run ahead to the front of the line, but instead the Bible tells us that he, "followed Jesus".  I imagine...Filled with tremendous joy and gratitude. 

About a week later, I played at the Hope Center, Nashville Rescue Missions Ladies Campus.    Instead of my normal preparation and planning.   I planned nothing.  I felt unprepared and nervous.  The whole way there I prayed that the Lord would have His way.  I played down my agenda and simply said, Lord use me however you want to tonight.    And as I sat down to start playing, the presence of the Lord fell like a blanket over the room.    As I sang each song He whispered to me what the next song should be, and what to say in between. I was able to minister and lead those ladies in worship and it was entirely the Lord and His glorious presence.    I was simply a vessel.     So my prayer now, is this.  Lord, I lay down my agenda.   Use me however you want to.   Move however you desire.  Do Lord, what You want to do....whatever it looks like, whatever that means.    

As worship leaders, we are called not to "lead the way" but rather to "follow Jesus".   And in doing so, help others to also follow Jesus.    But we have to first be in tune with the Holy Spirit....listening and singing in the key He is playing. 

Power, Power, Wonder Working Power

A couple of days ago I started writing a blog...fully intending to finish it over the last few days but each time I sat down to write I got interrupted by life.    You know....it happens....but in the meantime,  I spent quite a bit of time at church, in rehearsals and Sunday morning services and this theme kept coming up around me.   Not at all on my writing agenda and yet somehow I knew the Lord was calling me to alter my plan and write about this instead.    It all started last Thursday when my dear friend shared a bit about his testimony and what had been on his heart over these last few weeks.    He was sharing that he grew up in a church where, even though his parents fully believed in the power of the Holy Spirit, that He is constantly giving us freedom and guiding us, interceding and moving through us, that his church believed that after Jesus came and the Bible was completed that the Spirit no longer dwells among us as we do not need Him anymore.    The theology aside, he shared about his struggle as a growing believer, walking through Bible college and becoming involved in churches over the years that believe in the power and presence of the Spirit....that while he longed to experience this power, he was afraid.   Afraid he missed his chance, afraid he was wrong or would be judged by others, afraid that it wasn't meant for him.   He said that he would sit in a service as a part of a congregation, and watch others find and experience this revelation, find hope and healing....that he would watch pastors speak over and encourage other believers and he would tell the Lord "if they call me then I know it's my turn....If they say this word then I know it's you"   And his time never came, the word was never spoken, no one ever called him out directly.   And while he knew he was saved, he also knew he was missing something.   It wasn't until recently, after becoming a part of Grace Chapel and hearing testimony after testimony, and seeing what the Lord would do each Sunday that he began to realize it wasn't too late.   He could have this freedom and power.   And start walking in it.   And now he ha a growing passion to see others, who have a similar struggle, find and walk in the power of the Spirit....He is there and waiting for us to receive it.    Our church Grace Chapel is a very Spirit led church.   I remember the first time I went to a service many years ago, I was immediately struck by the presence of the Holy Spirit.   At one very sweet and poignant moment in the service, a women who I later called a dear friend, started singing a hymn.  Just her, no music, no prompting, she wasn't even on stage, just sitting in the congregation singing a beautiful and timely hymn.  Her voice filling the air while the room sat silent, listening....being led deeper into His Presence.   I broke down in tears and knew in the moment that this was where I was suppose to be.
But some struggle.   Struggle between what they grew up believing to be true and what they feel when the Lord begins to move.      My friend went on the share that his heart is burdened for those who struggle with this.   Who feel the pull to engage with the Spirit, yet fight within, holding back and hanging on to the fear.
 In 1st Corinthians 15 we read an account of Christ's appearances after His resurrection.   It tells how He appeared to more then 500 brothers and sisters, yet we read in Acts1, that "in those days Peter stood up among the believers (a group numbering about a hundred and twenty)"   What happened to the other 380 that He appeared to?  While they waited for the Holy Spirit to come, did they stop believing?  Did they fall prey to the rumors that it was all a lie, or that it wasn't meant for them?  And after the day of Pentecost when the Holy Spirit descended upon the 120...how did they feel then?   Like they missed their chance?  Like they messed up and failed due to lack of faith or fear of persecution?    That is the beauty of our Savior....He is not a missed opportunity.  He is constantly perusing us, constantly calling us deeper, constantly drawing us near to Him.....through the power of the Holy Spirit inside of us.    And His presence is not conditional.  


John 16:13-15 Says
13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. 14 He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you. 15 All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will receive from me what he will make known to you.”

This past Sunday after talking about these things during rehearsal, we sang songs of Joy and freedom, and our Pastor got up in the middle of worship, stopped the Service in it's tracks and did an alter call for freedom.   For anyone walking in addiction or burdened by weight we were not meant to carry.....hundreds of people came forward and received new freedom.    The Spirit moved in mighty ways and with tears I realized that this power, this freedom, this truth is ours every day.   Every. Single. Day.
We can walk in power and not be defeated.  We can experience healing, and hope, and joy.  He is our helper in times of need.  We have the gift promised to us in Acts 1...we have been baptized with the Holy Spirit!   You have not missed the boat.  It is not too late to walk in this power....this wonder working power.  Hallelujah!!

When Oceans Rise

Last week I took a trip to California to visit my friends and family.    During one afternoon we decided to go to the beach.   So my mom, my sister, and her two kids (5, and 3) piled into the car and headed down highway 17 to go to the beach.   My sister had not been to the beach with the kids very many times and wasn't sure how they would handle the water at this stage.   To her surprise, Broderick, the 3 year old who is normally timid and quiet, had a total blast in the water.   My mom and I held his hands and swung him in the air each time a wave rolled up to where we stood, and then let him down into the water where he would wiggle around in excitement to do it again.    Meanwhile Brandlyn, the 5 year old who is normally the brave, adventurous one, was so terrified of the water that she would not come any closer then the dry sand above where the wet sand marked the reach of the previous waves.   After a while of watching her play in the sand, we tried holding her hands, me on one side my mom on the other, and bringing her down to the water just to the point where it would wash over our toes.    She was so hysterically upset, despite our constant reassurance that everything would be ok, that we finally gave up and let her go back to dry sand.     After a while we decided to take a walk to a light house at the end of the beach.   While on the walk I told her how proud I was of her for being brave and walking along the edge of the water and all the way to the light house even though it was scary.    When we got back to our spot on the beach, we sat down to enjoy the sun and before we knew it she was running down to the water on her own with her little pale and scooping up water to make wet sand for a castle.   She would come running up to us and say "Look I got water! Are you proud of me?"  It was so sweet to watch her trust begin to grow and learn the joy of experiencing the water.   She started out safe on the sand, having fun, but limiting her adventure by not wanting to go any deeper.  Then as she began to experience more of the water, her faith in us and in herself began to grow allowing her to experience a much more fulfilling time at the beach.
      I led worship this past Sunday morning at a sweet little church in Bellevue.  Last week as I began to prepare, the Lord put on my heart the songs You Make Me Brave, Oceans, and Good Good Father.    As I sat down to worship a few nights ago, I was reminded of this story of my niece.    I realized that we, as God's children sometimes have the same reaction in our walk with the Lord.   He calls us deeper.   Calls us into the Ocean.   But we choose not to go in.   To walk into the deep.    Choose not to take a step closer to Him because it means going out to where the waves are, where the wind is raging, where there are depths unknown and unfamiliar.  I am reminded of Matthew 14:29-31

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

 Peter obeyed the call to go out into the water to meet Jesus but the moment the circumstances seemed unsafe his fear took over.   He forgot in that moment that even when everything around him seemed out of control he was with the one who created the very water he stood upon.   And with Jesus we are always safe.   When He calls us into the deep, He calls us to Himself, into His presence, and where He is, we can stand.    We are safer in the storm with Him then on the shore alone.   I want to go deeper.  I want to be brave, to obey the call to step out of the boat.    To trust Him, even if the waves roar all around me.    We can stand on His faithfulness, we can go deeper.  

"And I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine"

Just Wait Until You Get Here

Sometimes when i talk i fumble a bit....especially when im having an uncomfortable conversation or talking to someone who makes me nervous.  I imagine in my mind a football player...running for the ball, leaping into the air for a heroic catch only to fall slightly short, losing the ball and helping the other team score.   Dramatic maybe....but then again, i am an artist haha!   i think thats why i like to write...you can rewind, erase, start over.  And no one has to know anything you dont choose for them to know.   Its hard to let someone in, and in writing you can do that carefully, strategically, hiding certain places to only reveal what you allow.  Letting someone see just deep enough to glimpse your heart while still protecting the real depth of emotion, struggle and vulnerability we hold inside.   Well sometimes the things the Lord presses on my heart to write about, push a little beyond my comfort zone.  So I have a choice to make...share something personal and even a bit painful in hopes that it might encourage or inspire someone, or stay quiet.  So here it goes.... I have always had a calling on my life to use my musical gifts and talents for the Lord.   I have known since I was a young girl that I was given a gift and tI wanted nothing more then to use it for Him.....when I moved to Nashville 13 years ago, people asked me why I didn't move to Los Angeles since it was so much closer to San Jose where I grew up.    My answer was simple, I wanted to be where Christian music was thriving because I wanted to follow my calling, and go where I felt He was leading me.   But over this past 13 years, no major doors have opened, no songs have made it to radio, no contracts have come across my table.   At times I look back and feel like I have failed.   And from a worldly standpoint, I have.   Was there more I should have done?  Should be doing now?    Did I miss my chance?   Was I wrong in my choice to move here and not L.A.?  I have asked myself these questions so many times over the last few years.   And prayed over all of it for so long.    Over the last year or so, as I have sought Him on this subject, the Lord, in His kindness has shown me much about what it really means to honor Him with our gifts, some of those things I have even written about, but yet, there it is....that nagging feeling.  It always seems to find me, and begin to stir up doubt, fear, and feelings of discontentment.     I'm 100% percent sure that the enemy wants us to feel useless and defeated because it renders us less effective, and he knows just which buttons to push.  But I do believe that when the Lord gives us a calling, we are suppose to pursue it.   We are suppose to use it.   We are not suppose to hide it under a bushel.    I was reminded this past weekend, that it is His gift He has given to us, and it is not our place to determine how it is used.   And because this truth is so hard to swallow, It's to easy to shy away from the calling.   Just like we hide ourselves from others to protect ourselves.  We choose not give Him full access to our hopes, dreams, and gifts for fear He might say "This is not where I want you to go, or this is not what I planned for you".    The truth is, He knows us so much deeper then we could ever pretend to know ourselves    He knows our strengths and weaknesses and how we can best serve Him.    And until this is a truth we can accept and full surrender too we will never be as affective for the kingdom.    So this got me thinking... What if I applied the scripture Matthew 6:33 "Seek First His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things ill be given to you as well" to this part of my life?   What if instead of perusing what, in my mind, is success, I simply said "Lord, I am Your's use me" and left it as that?  What if I trusted that He knows my heart, He knows my dreams, I don't have to strive for anything except His glory and see what He does through that?   What if obedience means completely letting go?
  SO I have decided that rather then stress out about what I am not doing right, what everyone else is doing, or could be doing differently, I would begin to focus on what the Lord is doing.   
This past sunday I was sitting in church having just led worship, listening to a precious group of freshly graduated high school student share about a trip to China they had just returned from.    They shared about their reluctance to go, the fear they experienced, the challenges they faced.   And every single one, shared how the Lord used the trip in huge ways in their lives both spiritually and personally.   In those sweet moments as I sat listening, I thought "This is what it is all about.   The sweet unseen victories, the kingdom work.   All the sweat and tears on earth that lead to lives changed for all eternity"  and just then I heard the Lord say, "Just wait until you get here, just wait until you see the impact you have had for the kingdom, all the earth will pass away but this will remain.  This is eternal and where your heart should be"   I teared up as I sat there with this new revelation that if there is never a moment on earth where I ever again receive applause or any kind of accolade or notice....it doesn't matter.   All of this fades away but the Lord, and His kingdom are forever.   And each one of us has an impact here that we will see when we get to heaven.    Each one of us is reaching for a prize so much greater then anything we may receive here.   And each one of us has a calling, unique and created just for us.  And seeking first the kingdom means laying down our agenda and desires but it does not mean we are forgotten.    Just because there is no number one hit to claim, or a song on national radio, doesn't mean you aren't successful.  Maybe it's time we start looking at things differently...success differently.   I pray for Kingdom eyes to see and a heart that longs for His glory alone and not my own.    Seeking Him first.

Past the Line

In my last blog I talked about who Jesus said He was.    The name He often assigned to Himself.    In the name The Son of Man,  He claimed not only truth but humble truth.   A reminder of His humanness and yet all in the same a reminder of His glory and Might.      This past week I started thinking about what names I assign myself.     Daughter, wife, Stepmom, singer, songwriter, or maybe if I am being totally transparent, worrier, impatient, prideful.    All of these things true through my own eyes.    But what if the name I assigned to myself was, Daughter of the almighty, Child of the King, Beloved, Worshiper?   How would this change not only how I see myself but how I live my life?    One of my friends and I were chatting between services a few weeks ago and she said "The Lord reminded me during worship, that we don't need to touch Jesus's garment like the women in the Bible who touched Jesus and was healed, because Jesus is inside us.   She had to touch Him because His power had not yet come through the holy spirit to all who believe but we have access to Him all the time!"  What a powerful truth and great reminder!    We literally walk around with the Lord living in us every day.     When we assign negative things to ourselves we are choosing to agree with a lie.    
In our neighborhood there are a lot of families with dogs.   There aren't many fences and so a lot of people have electric fences.    The way it works is that you first set out flags in the yard, marking where the point where the dog cannot pass or it will receive a shock.    Once the dog learns not to cross the line, the flags are removed.     Eventually you don't even need to turn the collar on because the dog becomes so use to the line and the potential pain that it doesn't try to leave.     I thought about this the other day within my own life.     Have we becomes so use to the pain and distraction of this world that we don't even try to live in the Power of Christ?   Has disappointment, discouragement, and business, created an invisible fence in our lives?   It can be easier to stay put.....safer even.    But we are not called to live an easy Christian life.   We are not called to comfort and safety.   We are called to cross the line at any cost.   To pick up our cross and follow Christ.
This past Sunday we had guest Rita Springer come share in worship at church.    between services she was sharing about a young women who came to one of her worship seminars called Dive.   This young lady's name was Michelle.   She shared how she hated her name, always had and didn't fully understand why.    during the course of the week long conference, the staff began to pour into her, researching the meaning of her name and God's unique calling on her life.   By the end of the conference, Michelle found new hope in her relationship with the Father and new joy in her name.   Rita went on to share that she kept in touch with this young women for two years until she suddenly dropped off the map.   Rita later found out that this women was no longer a women but had had a sex change and was now a man.   She changed her name to Robert.     My heart broke as she shared this story.  Not just because this sweet person had turned away from the hope they had in Christ but because she rejected her name.   The name given to her.   The enemy had convinced her that she was not who she should be.   Not who Jesus said she was.   That she was not suppose to be a women of God or even a women.      She chose to stop fighting, to stay behind the line and the enemy convinced her a lie was truth.       We are His.   We are His beloved, His redeemed, His bride.   We are cherished, adored, protected.   We are blessed and made righteous through Christ.    We are sons and daughters of the King.   These are just a few of the names given to us in scripture.    It's time to walk boldly in the truth of those names.  The world needs it now more then ever.

The Son of Man

If someone asked you who you were what would you say?  How would you describe yourself? A mother, a surgeon, a songwriter, a brother...maybe a kind person, a diligent worker, an entrepreneur, or an optimistic encourager?   Mostly good though right?    We all, weather we realize it or not, when given the chance talk ourselves up.  Make ourselves sound better then we are.   describe ourselves in a way that leaves people thinking about our good qualities and not our bad.   Just think about the last time you filled out a resume....you point out all of your strengths and abilities, even if they are not relevant to the job you are applying to because it makes you look more competent, intelligent and ultimately more qualified for the job.     Recently I was reading the book of Luke.  I came across a verse in chapter 5 that stuck out to me.   In Luke 5:24 Jesus says "But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins".    I was instantly struck by the title He gave Himself "Son of Man".   Throughout the new testament He has many names given to Him by His disciples and those who loved and followed Him.   He even asks Peter "who do you say I am?"  "You are the Messiah, the Son of the Living God" is He replies.    but Jesus, uses this name "Son of Man" more then any other title for Himself, 30 times in Matthew alone.  It is thought to be in reference to Daniel 7 where it says "Behold, one like the Son of Man, coming with the clouds of heaven!".  And while there is certainly intentionality there, I can't help but think, Jesus did not have to use that designation so many times.     Surely once or twice would have gotten the point across , but instead He used it most often.    We know that Jesus is the humble King.   Come down from heaven, as man and God, to take on the sins of the world, dying in the most horrific, humiliating way for us.   He could have spent His time talking Himself up, reminding us of His All God ness.   His power and authority certainly earned the title, Son of God, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, All Mighty Savior.    He chose instead to remind us of His humanness.    To relate to us with a name that pointed out that He is All Man.   The tremendous amount of humility...the tremendous amount of grace for our humanness it must have taken.   An example like none other of obedience without self seeking.    And while this doesn't mean we should start signing our resumes with "Bad at math" or "loves chocolate too much" It should make us stand that much more in awe of the One who Saves us.   He already died for us, and has already made a way for us to be with Him in eternity, but the more I learn of His character, of His heart for us, the more I realize His humility, and sacrifice deserves our all and our everything.