There is something i have always struggled with. Something i have never in my 32 years been able to reconcile completely. How to be confident. Let me clarify....It is easy to fake confidence. To walk in boldness while inside you are filled with fear and doubt. I have longed for true To believe in who believe I am without the need for confirmation from others. To stand boldly in my calling and never need to question it. I realize there are many things that go unspoken and that nothing is ever how it seems. But this is a topic that for me has always been one of mystery. I am going to be totally honest here for a minute. I could never figure out how to be confident without being prideful....where is that sweet spot where you can walk in humility while still having boldness and authority? This is particularly challenging with ministry.
The world expects you to be cocky. To be prideful....if you are good at anything you are entitled to walk in a level of authority that flaunts your ability. And while it can be easy to determine the self serving from the sacrificial in others, sometimes it can be hard to find a balance within yourself.
Sounds like a silly problem maybe. A mental hurdle perhaps. Something that should not really be an issue. I have tried to talk myself out of feelings if insecurity....telling myself that its ok to be confident in something i know in my heart I am called to. And every. Single. Time. Something happens that knocks me down a peg or two. I know There is a difference bewtween humility and doubt. Between understanding ones humanness and dependance on the Lord and self deprecation. But how does one find a place where confidence isnt pride and humility isn't insecurity? Is it even possible?
I recently got asked to sing on a worship team I haven't been a part of in over a year. my first response was to be thrilled. My second response was to be filled with doubt.....fear. So much so, I actually had a few bad dreams. Those dreams where everything goes wrong and you forget all the word and you wake up feeling exposed and humiliated. I mean....Why had it been so long? Was this a mistake? Do they really want me there or is this a pity invite? These were the questions going through my mind...the overthinking, overreacting, unconfident self of mine, could not come up with a good enough explanation.....The enemy was really messing with my mind. And then...in a quiet moment, I heard the sweet whisper of the Father "Take my peace with you". Peace? Wait....what does that have to do with confidence? Or does it have everything to do with it.....I realized in that moment that what I had contributed to a lack of confidence was actually pride showing up as fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Because in pride I am caring more about myself, and what others think of me then what I am being called to do. what the Lord wants to do with the gifting He gave me. The calling He, not man, placed in my life. And I realized the truth is I am very sure of my calling....it's the circumstances in which He sometimes calls me too that cause me to pause. And sometimes, what I thought was humility... was actually an excuse to hold back where the Spirit was telling me to move forward. All of this....all of these struggles, washed away when I realized all I had to do was walk in His peace.
The word peace means "Freedom from disturbance, Quiet, Tranquility"
We can walk without fear! We can walk in boldness! We can walk in His authority as worshippers and Christ followers because in His peace we find freedom! And even if we face rejection, even if we face failure, even if everything falls apart, in His perfect peace we have all we need. Every time this week, I have faced something I was unsure about, I have stopped and said, "in His peace....in His peace" and my fear, like a wave, subsides.
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because He trusts in you.
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