Just Wait Until You Get Here

Sometimes when i talk i fumble a bit....especially when im having an uncomfortable conversation or talking to someone who makes me nervous.  I imagine in my mind a football player...running for the ball, leaping into the air for a heroic catch only to fall slightly short, losing the ball and helping the other team score.   Dramatic maybe....but then again, i am an artist haha!   i think thats why i like to write...you can rewind, erase, start over.  And no one has to know anything you dont choose for them to know.   Its hard to let someone in, and in writing you can do that carefully, strategically, hiding certain places to only reveal what you allow.  Letting someone see just deep enough to glimpse your heart while still protecting the real depth of emotion, struggle and vulnerability we hold inside.   Well sometimes the things the Lord presses on my heart to write about, push a little beyond my comfort zone.  So I have a choice to make...share something personal and even a bit painful in hopes that it might encourage or inspire someone, or stay quiet.  So here it goes.... I have always had a calling on my life to use my musical gifts and talents for the Lord.   I have known since I was a young girl that I was given a gift and tI wanted nothing more then to use it for Him.....when I moved to Nashville 13 years ago, people asked me why I didn't move to Los Angeles since it was so much closer to San Jose where I grew up.    My answer was simple, I wanted to be where Christian music was thriving because I wanted to follow my calling, and go where I felt He was leading me.   But over this past 13 years, no major doors have opened, no songs have made it to radio, no contracts have come across my table.   At times I look back and feel like I have failed.   And from a worldly standpoint, I have.   Was there more I should have done?  Should be doing now?    Did I miss my chance?   Was I wrong in my choice to move here and not L.A.?  I have asked myself these questions so many times over the last few years.   And prayed over all of it for so long.    Over the last year or so, as I have sought Him on this subject, the Lord, in His kindness has shown me much about what it really means to honor Him with our gifts, some of those things I have even written about, but yet, there it is....that nagging feeling.  It always seems to find me, and begin to stir up doubt, fear, and feelings of discontentment.     I'm 100% percent sure that the enemy wants us to feel useless and defeated because it renders us less effective, and he knows just which buttons to push.  But I do believe that when the Lord gives us a calling, we are suppose to pursue it.   We are suppose to use it.   We are not suppose to hide it under a bushel.    I was reminded this past weekend, that it is His gift He has given to us, and it is not our place to determine how it is used.   And because this truth is so hard to swallow, It's to easy to shy away from the calling.   Just like we hide ourselves from others to protect ourselves.  We choose not give Him full access to our hopes, dreams, and gifts for fear He might say "This is not where I want you to go, or this is not what I planned for you".    The truth is, He knows us so much deeper then we could ever pretend to know ourselves    He knows our strengths and weaknesses and how we can best serve Him.    And until this is a truth we can accept and full surrender too we will never be as affective for the kingdom.    So this got me thinking... What if I applied the scripture Matthew 6:33 "Seek First His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things ill be given to you as well" to this part of my life?   What if instead of perusing what, in my mind, is success, I simply said "Lord, I am Your's use me" and left it as that?  What if I trusted that He knows my heart, He knows my dreams, I don't have to strive for anything except His glory and see what He does through that?   What if obedience means completely letting go?
  SO I have decided that rather then stress out about what I am not doing right, what everyone else is doing, or could be doing differently, I would begin to focus on what the Lord is doing.   
This past sunday I was sitting in church having just led worship, listening to a precious group of freshly graduated high school student share about a trip to China they had just returned from.    They shared about their reluctance to go, the fear they experienced, the challenges they faced.   And every single one, shared how the Lord used the trip in huge ways in their lives both spiritually and personally.   In those sweet moments as I sat listening, I thought "This is what it is all about.   The sweet unseen victories, the kingdom work.   All the sweat and tears on earth that lead to lives changed for all eternity"  and just then I heard the Lord say, "Just wait until you get here, just wait until you see the impact you have had for the kingdom, all the earth will pass away but this will remain.  This is eternal and where your heart should be"   I teared up as I sat there with this new revelation that if there is never a moment on earth where I ever again receive applause or any kind of accolade or notice....it doesn't matter.   All of this fades away but the Lord, and His kingdom are forever.   And each one of us has an impact here that we will see when we get to heaven.    Each one of us is reaching for a prize so much greater then anything we may receive here.   And each one of us has a calling, unique and created just for us.  And seeking first the kingdom means laying down our agenda and desires but it does not mean we are forgotten.    Just because there is no number one hit to claim, or a song on national radio, doesn't mean you aren't successful.  Maybe it's time we start looking at things differently...success differently.   I pray for Kingdom eyes to see and a heart that longs for His glory alone and not my own.    Seeking Him first.

Past the Line

In my last blog I talked about who Jesus said He was.    The name He often assigned to Himself.    In the name The Son of Man,  He claimed not only truth but humble truth.   A reminder of His humanness and yet all in the same a reminder of His glory and Might.      This past week I started thinking about what names I assign myself.     Daughter, wife, Stepmom, singer, songwriter, or maybe if I am being totally transparent, worrier, impatient, prideful.    All of these things true through my own eyes.    But what if the name I assigned to myself was, Daughter of the almighty, Child of the King, Beloved, Worshiper?   How would this change not only how I see myself but how I live my life?    One of my friends and I were chatting between services a few weeks ago and she said "The Lord reminded me during worship, that we don't need to touch Jesus's garment like the women in the Bible who touched Jesus and was healed, because Jesus is inside us.   She had to touch Him because His power had not yet come through the holy spirit to all who believe but we have access to Him all the time!"  What a powerful truth and great reminder!    We literally walk around with the Lord living in us every day.     When we assign negative things to ourselves we are choosing to agree with a lie.    
In our neighborhood there are a lot of families with dogs.   There aren't many fences and so a lot of people have electric fences.    The way it works is that you first set out flags in the yard, marking where the point where the dog cannot pass or it will receive a shock.    Once the dog learns not to cross the line, the flags are removed.     Eventually you don't even need to turn the collar on because the dog becomes so use to the line and the potential pain that it doesn't try to leave.     I thought about this the other day within my own life.     Have we becomes so use to the pain and distraction of this world that we don't even try to live in the Power of Christ?   Has disappointment, discouragement, and business, created an invisible fence in our lives?   It can be easier to stay put.....safer even.    But we are not called to live an easy Christian life.   We are not called to comfort and safety.   We are called to cross the line at any cost.   To pick up our cross and follow Christ.
This past Sunday we had guest Rita Springer come share in worship at church.    between services she was sharing about a young women who came to one of her worship seminars called Dive.   This young lady's name was Michelle.   She shared how she hated her name, always had and didn't fully understand why.    during the course of the week long conference, the staff began to pour into her, researching the meaning of her name and God's unique calling on her life.   By the end of the conference, Michelle found new hope in her relationship with the Father and new joy in her name.   Rita went on to share that she kept in touch with this young women for two years until she suddenly dropped off the map.   Rita later found out that this women was no longer a women but had had a sex change and was now a man.   She changed her name to Robert.     My heart broke as she shared this story.  Not just because this sweet person had turned away from the hope they had in Christ but because she rejected her name.   The name given to her.   The enemy had convinced her that she was not who she should be.   Not who Jesus said she was.   That she was not suppose to be a women of God or even a women.      She chose to stop fighting, to stay behind the line and the enemy convinced her a lie was truth.       We are His.   We are His beloved, His redeemed, His bride.   We are cherished, adored, protected.   We are blessed and made righteous through Christ.    We are sons and daughters of the King.   These are just a few of the names given to us in scripture.    It's time to walk boldly in the truth of those names.  The world needs it now more then ever.