Choosing Humility

Recently I have been going through a period of questioning.     I'm sure we all go through these times....times where you wonder why you are where you are, what you would love to see happen in your life that just doesn't seem realistic anymore.   Dreams that perhaps seem impossible or distant...forgotten even.    The questions of why.     I was reading in Matthew 13 and came across this passage.      I have read it dozens of times, but something was different this time....

3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

Jesus goes on to explain the meaning of his parable.

18 “Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: 19 When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path.20 The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. 21 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away.22 The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. 23 But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

As I was reading this I heard the Lord say to me ever so gently "Read this again and be honest"  Um....I know what that means.   Whenever the Lord has me read a passage a second time, it pretty much means that the Lord has something He wants to tell me.   So I read it again.   I realized that in my pride I had read through this passage assuming I was good soil.   I mean after all I love the Lord, I try to live a life of purpose and be a fruitful follower.   And while I know I'm not perfect, how could I be bad soil??   Then I noticed the description of the seed falling on the thorns....the worries of life?   deceitfulness of wealth?    How can it be that those struggles had totally passed under my radar.   Now I am going to be totally honest and vulnerable here for a minute....part of my struggle as a singer/songwriter is that, as you may also experience, the desire to be known.   the desire to be successful.   Success in the worlds eyes as a musician means to be famous.   To be wealthy.   To have hit songs, awards, and esteem.    And while I can tell myself I don't really care about those things, I would be lying if I had not thought a time or two hundred about all of the things I have yet to accomplish.   I mean, "why give such gifts and then not use them?", I would think.    I would be fooling myself if I did not admit my true motivation from time to time with decisions I have made or opportunities I have taken.     And while it certainly doesn't mean fame and fortune are bad things, and the Lord can and does use those platforms for His glory....I realized in that moment that for me, it had become less about seeking His purpose and plan and more about the platform.       Like somehow I was a failure as a musician if I did not achieve a certain level of success.     

That Sunday morning, I was on the worship team at my church.   We were in the middle of worship when I heard the Lord say:   

"Jesus chose Humility"    

I stood there....tears in my eyes, my heart instantly aware of just how weighty and yet simultaneously gentle this truth was.    I realized in that moment that Jesus, the Son of God, the mighty and powerful Messiah, could have refused to come to earth without a grand birth.   He could have demanded royal fanfare with musicians and a parade, surrounded by gifts and riches.  He could have required a castle with servants, and guards, to meet His every whim and protect Him from those seeking His harm.   He could have seen that everyone come to Him to be healed and travel across the land with their sick and dying.    He could have worn a golden crown rather then a crown of thorns....All of these things less then what He deserved, all of these things less then the glory He left in heaven.     But He instead chose humility.   He chose to be born in a stable, surrounded by hay, and animals.   He chose to live a life of a quiet carpenter, and He chose to walk the dirt roads with His disciples, finding those in need.   Spending countless hours serving and praying and healing.    Putting Himself below those He came for to the point of death.   He chose this because He knew...He understood that it would mean the ultimate glory for His Father in heaven.    He knew that God's ultimate plan of redemption could not happen any other way.    He knew, that the sacrificial life would lead to the salvation of every son and daughter of God.    And only through His humble life and painful death could we be with the Father.    

Who am I.....Who am I to think that what I "deserve" is more important then the Lord's purpose and plan with my life?   Where am I choosing my way instead of the Lord's way because maybe it just isn't glamorous enough for me?    Are the distractions and worries of this life turning into thorns?  Am I missing what the Father is doing?    This season, as I think on the birth of my Savior...I want to choose humility.     To be the good soil.    For His glory and honor and magnitude, get out of the way and let Him use me however He needs to use me.   To be more like Jesus.  Perhaps a crop is waiting to be sown, if I will choose to stop determining the ways in which the Lord can use me, and instead let Him use me right where I am.       

For someone else, from Somewhere else

I just stumbled upon this quote while looking through my Facebook feed.
"The Word of God is alive and active, penetrating and healing like a surgeons knife. If you aren't sure about the Bible's trustworthiness-Or if you have friends who aren't sure-just give yourselves to reading it.  Even if you don't believe a knife is sharp, if it is, it can still cut you"---Tim Keller.
This speaks perfectly to my thoughts as I was preparing to type this blog, so I thought I would share it.

So many times the Lord uses experiences and challenges we are facing to bring new revelation from scripture.   Things we've read a dozen times suddenly come alive when we are walking through difficult situations.   That is the power of the Holy Spirit in the living Word of God.    I experienced this recently while praying for my family.   They has been walking through some tough times...if you have been following these blogs I have spoken some about this.   One thing I sometimes struggle with when praying for others, if they are not themselves walking with the Lord, is the thought, what are those prayers doing on a spiritual level.   I do believe the Lord moves on behalf of others when we pray but it can be hard sometimes to see the fruit.    I felt the Lord recently lead me to start reading in the New Testament.   I had been lingering in the Psalms for a while so decided to start at the beginning, and turned to Matthew.    As I was reading Matthew I came to the passage below.   A passage I have read a dozen times but this time I stopped, stopped and questioned.  Stopped and re-read.   Stopped and listened.

Matthew 8:5-13

5 When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help.6 “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.”

7 Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?”

8 The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9 For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”

10 When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, “Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11 I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

13 Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.” And his servant was healed at that moment.

 At first when reading this passage I did not understand why Jesus said that He had not found anyone with such faith in Israel.  What about this man was different?   This question in my heart prompted me to read it again with more intention.    As I read it for a second time the Holy Spirit spoke to me in a big way.   the first thing I noted was his tremendous humility.    Pointing out the fact that he had men under him, great authority and power and yet did not feel worthy to have the Lord enter his home.   Showing not only humility but great understanding of who Jesus was/is as the highest authority and power.  The second thing I noticed was that he came for someone else.   Not for himself or what the Lord could do for him....and not even a family member or friend but a servant.   A servant that anyone else might have simply left to die, he went to Jesus, and humbled himself for this man.   The third thing that stood out to me, was that this centurion, who had an offer from Jesus to come to his house "Shall I come and heal him?", had the faith to believe that Jesus could heal his servant from right where He stood.   That He was not only all powerful, but omnipresent.    In most other instances in Matthew where Jesus healed someone, He did so by touching them.    Or by them touching Him.   Yet this centurion, without having seen Jesus do a miracle from afar, had the faith to believe He could, and that He would.   And Jesus did, the servant was healed by this centurions faith...a faith for someone else, from somewhere else.  Jesus honored his faith, and made a point to state for those around them what an amazing faith it was.    I was so encouraged as I read this passage.   It's easy to become use to the ideas in the stories we have read so many times.    The truth of God's word can become almost taken for granted, for those of us who have thousands of years of post resurrection heritage of faith to stand on.   Years of Sunday school lessons and Bible studies and the like.... But in a way I felt like I was there with the centurion, as I read it the second, third, and fourth time.   Like I could see him kneeling down before Jesus with tears in his eyes.    Nervous and unprepared for the wonder and majesty of his king.    With bravery and trembling seeking hope for another man.   Not even able to look Him in the eyes but knowing in his heart that this man, this teacher, was so much more then a man.   A saving, healing, Son of God, who was willing and able to do a miracle right then and there for a person who maybe, was not even aware that any of it was happening....for a person who may not even have believed himself.       If his faith was enough to see the Lord move on behalf of someone else, then nothing should stop me from praying for those around me regardless of the circumstances.    Faith can move mountains.   Sometime those mountains are moved for someone else, from somewhere else.

Spiritual Self Awareness

My husbands family has been going through a very rough time recently.   For their privacy I won't go into details but it has been a challenging time to say the least.   Life is not always easy...sometimes because of choices we make that result in consequences less then ideal.  Sometime because of events out of our control that the Lord allows.  Sometimes both.  For them, right now....it's both.    While I struggle to understand the big picture, I know that the Lord is moving.   My brother in law has been living with us for a few weeks.   While it has been interesting and challenging in many ways, I have already seen the Lord moving in His life, more in just a few weeks then in the 7 years I have known him.   One thing in particular got me thinking the other day.    he has discovered over the last few weeks, self awareness.  
As I sit here typing, I hear the sounds of my husband, stepson, and brother in law, enjoy the benefits of our new backyard.   With the fire pit burning with enough light to shine on a game of corn hole, and some marshmallows roasting to a perfect brown, making the perfect gooey dessert.  It makes for a pretty great evening.   Me?  sitting inside eating a marshmallow, because whether roasted or not, a marshmallow is always a good idea.   I love the sound of family enjoying each other...though this hasn't been easy, it is a blessing none the less.  

My brother in law Josh, has been going through a series of online classes while staying here.  Some useful, some not so much, however he has begun to realize a lot about himself and his family.  He is beginning to have a deeper understanding of what makes him tick.   Why he thinks and acts the way he does and what behaviors he has been ignoring or missing until this point in his life.    Self awareness is a blessing but it has to be a choice that one makes to look at the deeper, sometime painful truth.   and it got me thinking.....what about spiritual self awareness?  I consider myself a fairly self aware person.  While there is always tons of room to grow, I try very hard to pay attention and contemplate my actions and reactions.   To dig deep when I have a struggle, issue or challenge in a relationship.   Sometimes I even over analyze things I say or do to the point where I have to allow myself some grace.   And I started thinking....when was the last time I questioned my spiritual self awareness?   Where am I with the Lord?   What is He teaching me right now?   Where does He want to take me deeper?   What struggles do I have in my relationship with the Lord that might be hindering me from surrendering fully.   Things that I may be unaware of or choosing not to recognize?   Where is fear causing me to stay put when I should be moving forward?   All questions we need to as ourselves and I believe, questions the Lord wants to answer.   Not to make us feel guilty or to force obligation upon us...but to break down walls that may exist that we don't even see.   To challenge us so that we can grow in spirit and in truth.   With the Lord all things are possible but we must first recognize our own human-ness.   We also need to remember that the enemy knows our weaknesses, and will use them to create strongholds, cause doubt and fear, and to ultimately make us less useful for the spreading of truth and the name of Jesus.   How can we combat the schemes of the enemy if we do not first recognize the buttons he may press.   just like Josh needs to know his struggles so that he can avoid falling into the same patterns and behaviors, we also need to be aware.  
"Seek Me and you will find Me, if you seek me with all your heart"  This is a promise, but not a wishy washy one.   One that requires a full commitment on our part to be all in.   Our spiritual health and growth is not something the Lord will force upon us, we must choose to seek Him.     Maybe there is a wall you feel like you keep hitting.  Something in your life that feels stuck or far more difficult then it should.   Something you have been praying for and have still not seen any change.   Perhaps we need to stop, and ask the Lord if there is an area in our spiritual life, we are not aware of, that could be the cause of the blockage.   I have a sweet friend at church who has digestion issues.  For years she struggled, but it wasn't until recently she finally went to the doctor.   After being told she had a number of food allergies, some severe some less severe, she now feels she has the knowledge and awareness of her body, to help and heal years of pain and discomfort.   She can finally begin to make decisions that will bring health and nourishment to her body without the pain and difficulty caused by unknown factors.   But it takes the step of choosing to become aware.   We have the option to ask, and a Father who will answer.  In His time, and with His grace, we can become more and more like Him.

Jesus, Oh What a Name

The beautifully changing leaves.   The crisp, fresh, fall air.   Pumpkin spice, scarves and roasting marshmallows around the fire...all symptoms of something new.    A new season is coming and bringing with it a changing temperature, a shift in the atmosphere, leaves falling away, as if to symbolize the breaking off of the old to make way for the new.  As I watch this around me, in a new home, in a new town I can't help but feel as though the Lord has begun taking me into a new season in worship.    As He reveals more of His purpose for music and worship I find myself being less excited about the ideas of what I can do and more excited about what He is doing.  

Recently my husbands family has been going through some difficulties.   A few days ago things came to a bit of a head with one particular situation and as the day went on I struggled to find the words to pray.   The situation...messy, the people involved...struggling, emotions...high, the outcome...uncertain.   The type of situation where praying for a resolution doesn't cover even one base, much less all of them.  As I lay in bed that evening waiting on my husband who was outside talking to his brother, trying to help him process everything that was going on, all I could think to do was sit down at my keyboard and worship.  So that is what I did.    As I started singing a worship song I felt the Lord say, just sing my name.   So I started singing the name Jesus.   Over and over again, His sweet precious, healing, covering, powerful name.   The name that holds all hope, peace, redemption and grace.  Worship in that moment was my weapon, His name the ammunition.  As I sang I could feel His presence fall, I knew in that moment that even if no one in His family knew what was going on, that the Lord was moving on their behalf.   Billy's brother does not believe in the Lord.   A truth that weighs heavily on my heart often.    But I kept singing His name...believing that the Lord still answers our prayers for those who don't believe, sometimes to show them His power and glory.  And that this might just be the planting of spiritual seeds and tearing down of walls he needs to see what is missing in His heart.
 The next day there was a bit of a shift...small as it was, it only takes a small adjustment to move in a new direction.   Things are still tough and may take some time for everything to recover.   But I know the Lord is moving...and I know sometimes the leaves have to fall for new life to begin.   And even though they may not have asked for His hand, or even recognize His presence, I know that He is here, working on their behalf.  And even if I never see this side of heaven, the fruit of worship, I am thankful for His name.   I am thankful the Lord has given us a way to experience His power and authority through the act of worship.  Jesus, what a beautiful name.  
Philippians 5:9-11 "Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, the the glory of God the Father."

Revelation of Praise

So this past Sunday I had the joy of leading worship at a small church that meets in a local YMCA.   It's a sweet body of believers who worship God and live life together.    The pastor preaches with a passion and an urgency that compels you not only to listen, but to really dive deeper into the word.  I have found that each time I am asked to lead worship there, the Lord speaks very clearly to my heart.   Something specific that I really needed to hear or be reminded of.   This week was no exception.      

To be vulnerable for a minute, something I struggle with from time to time as a musician, singer/songwriter, (and I am guessing I am not the only one), is that feeling of why.   Why does a song matter if no one hears it?  Why can't I get more doors to open?  Why can't I achieve this goal, or that marker?  The plague of questions and lies that are no doubt a scheme of the enemy that keep us distracted from the true point....the true purpose.   Yet despite knowing this, they still find their way into my thoughts.     I have been praying lately for the Lord to use me.  Asking Him to show me His plan for the gifting He gave me, and so clearly called me too.   Have you ever prayed those prayers?  Felt unsure about your calling within music/ministry?    Maybe you already have a strong ministry or a confirmed call you are walking out each day....either way it is good to be reminded of the reality of what we do on a spiritual level.    
The church is working their way through Revelation, and this Sunday they went through Revelation 5.   This chapter reveals how John sees, in his vision, a scroll, which contains the future and hope of creation.  Sealed with 7 seals.   The chapter goes on to tell of the one who was able to open the scroll.     Christ, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the only one worthy or able to open the scroll.    
Revelation 5:8-14 says
6 Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits[a] of God sent out into all the earth. 7 He went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne.

8 And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of God’s people. 9 And they sang a new song, saying:

“You are worthy to take the scroll
    and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
    and with your blood you purchased for God
    persons from every tribe and language and people and nation.
10 You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God,
    and they will reign[b] on the earth.”

11 Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. 12 In a loud voice they were saying:

“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
    to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
    and honor and glory and praise!”

13 Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, saying:

“To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
    be praise and honor and glory and power,
for ever and ever!”

¹⁴ The four living creatures said, “Amen,” and the elders fell down and worshiped.

The scroll being open, means hope for us.   We were purchased by Jesus, for God Himself.   That we could be one with the creator.   And this news, this glorious revelation, led the elders to worship.   With harp and song.  Worshiping with song was not only their immediate reaction to the reality of salvation but it was a worthy and just response.   The glory and majesty of what was done for us led those already in heaven into a place of worship.   And this shows us just how precious worship is in heaven.   It is an event that is going on even now as I write this.   And I heard the Lord say to me as 

the pastor delved into these truths, "I have given you the ability to experience what is happening in heaven right now, on earth through worship.   To have a true encounter with me through a heavenly activity.   And to help others experience this as you lead".   This floored me.    The idea that the Lord would give a gift like this to His children.    It has in many ways changed my view of worship.   And of music.    I believe the enemy knows and understands just how much power and value there is in Worship.   He has experienced it first hand and that is why he tries so very hard to stop us.   To discourage us, or to distort what music means to us.   No matter who hears it, or how many people are in the room, or how many downloads you get for a song, you are engaging in heavenly activity.    Lifting up your voice with a new song, a new word....bringing glory to Him who sits on the throne....joining the angels and those who have gone before us is an honor, a privilege, and a true way to bring praise to the king.  The question pastor Chuck asked us that has had me thinking for the last few days was this...If the angels and the elders, who have experienced worship in heaven with the Savior, were in the room with us during worship, what would they be thinking?    Do we worship as ones who have been saved and redeemed the way the elders did as Revelation tells us, when they saw the Lamb of God take and open the scroll?   Is it our first reaction to His grace, His mercy and forgiveness?   Do we worship as children, heirs of the King of Kings?  As ones experiencing heaven on earth?...or do we worship as a formality of praise.    An obligation of our faith.   Has worship become a habit or a work?   Perhaps the gifting isn't even really about success at all....Perhaps the gifting is about the revelation of praise.   The rest is just the earthly ways He uses a heavenly calling.   Until we get to heaven we may never fully know the magnitude and power of worshiping our Lord, but until we do...I want to experience the fullness of His presence.   I want to experience heaven on earth.  

Wait a minute, What?

Doubt="A feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction".

An event took place today that caused me a great deal of doubt.   The event itself, rather small.    Not a big deal and not even something that would phase most people.   But to me, for some reason today, it felt huge.     It was something I had been praying about, and even though it wasn't the answer I was looking for, it was an answer.   And while I immediately recognized that, I still felt a rush of doubt.    A wave of almost overwhelming uncertainty.     I spent the next few hours in a battle between wanting to believe it was the Lord's guiding hand and feeling a bit like a door closing that I wasn't ready to see shut.    Driving home I prayed.   And Prayed.   I found myself questioning the Lord, questioning His purpose and plan.    I began to feel myself falling into the rabbit hole of questioning more then was really appropriate for the actual event that took place....does that ever happen to you?  Something small turns into something big because of a tiny seed of doubt?  
 Then I started thinking about that word....Doubt.     What does it mean exactly.    And how I can see the enemy using it so well to try and undo the truth and conviction I hold so close.     It occurred to me that one of the enemies best tools is to cause us to doubt that which the Lord calls us to, or moves us from.    What better way to stop us from moving forward, or walk in power and authority then to get us to question that very power and authority in our lives, and stop us in our tracks.   What better way to silence the effects of a miracle or dull the joy of a triumph, then to get us thinking there was never anything to celebrate.    Obedience comes with adversity.   That adversity is the first place where doubt creeps in.  "Why would I be experiencing this hardship if I am following the Lord's calling?"   "Shouldn't this be easy if it's right?"    "Maybe I should have stayed where it was comfortable".    I have found in my life, the biggest doubts have hit in the places where it hurt the most.  The places that reach the deepest parts of me and who I am.    As a musician, songwriter, singer....doubt has plagued me all my life.    "Maybe I should have sang that other song?" Or, "Maybe they didn't like my melody?" or even "Maybe I should not have moved to Nashville?"   Doubts that distract and pull my focus from that which I know to be true.   God placed a calling on my life and it is not my job to determine what that calling is or how it will be used.    It is a calling, and it will be used.
Those doubts get in the way....they tell me I am not good enough, talented enough, working hard enough.    that maybe I misread what the Lord has called me to do.   I can't help but think that the enemy has it out for musicians.   he was after all the Lead worship leader before his fall.  He knows how we think.   He knows that we tend to walk with fear of rejection and doubt about the gifting's we possess.   He knows how easy it is to get us to compare ourselves to one another success or level of talent.   All along trying to keep us from the truth that can come when those gifting's are surrendered to the purposes of the King.  He knows it does not take much to get us thinking that we don't have what it takes, or can't compete with all the other musicians/songwriters/singers.    We cannot let the enemy stop us.    He wants to make us an ineffective weapon.   He wants to remove the blade from our sword so that we cannot fight.  i even find myself doubting the very words I write here tonight.     But I know this.   I know this truth above all else.    God's grace is sufficient.    And the Lord knows.   He knows our struggles, He knows our pain.  He knows our fears and deepest insecurities.   He is our safe place.   And to Him, we can surrender that which we can't control.    Knowing that, just as the word says in Philippians 1:6 "being confidant of this, that He who his begun a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." We have the promise of His faithfulness.   The promise of His mercy.   No amount of doubt changes that truth.    So when the enemy whispers words of doubt over the calling of the Lord, whatever that calling may be,  hold on to the character of God.   His faithfulness and His unchanging nature.    
Psalm 33:1-4
"Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise Him.  Praise the Lord with the harp; make music to Him on the ten stringed lyre.  Sing to Him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy.  For the word of the Lord is right and true; He is faithful in all He does."

Well Worth the Noise

Im sitting here on our front porch, enjoying a sticky, humid Tennessee evening, and in the background all I can here are the sounds of trumpet blows.   Not professional sounds mind you, but those of a kid who has just been opened up to an adventure into the musical world of band.     Now don't get me wrong....I could not be more excited for him.    It is one of the things I have been hoping to impart on my stepson.   The love and understanding of music.   And while he enjoys listening to music, there is nothing like the art of learning how to make your own.  I had to fight for this a little bit because neither my husband nor Christian's mom were super thrilled with the idea of a noisy instrument coming home with him each day....but I know what he has been missing out on.    The thrill of implementing practice, hard work, and technique and in return receiving the reward of a song.    It's a skill and mindset that will go with him, I hope, throughout his entire life.   Hopefully opening his mind to parts of the world he had never before know.   To help him see things in a whole new way and understand what he hears every day with a slightly more colorful perspective.       They tell you that becoming a parent will help you to understand love in a way you never could before.   And while he is not technically speaking my child, I do indeed understand what it means to love in ways I never had before because of that sweet boy.     And while my ears may not thank me, I am thrilled that he is going to have this new adventure.    As he was trying out the trumpet we got (borrowed) for him to use this year, I started thinking....no one, including his teachers, (saints in my book by the way) expect him to pick up this instrument and immediately rock their socks off.    I'm sure there is a small part of them that hopes for one or two kids like that each year, but I would venture a guess it doesn't really ever happen.    And even though they receive books, and have class each day, it takes months if not years to really fully understand and grow in the instrument they choose.     I think back on my days learning how to play the keyboard.   I was 18 when I started learning....older then most to get started probably, and it took a few weeks before I could even play chords without sounded horrible.   And nearly 15 years later I am still learning and growing....I still have to practice and I still make mistakes.      But as I sat there listening to Christian, I thought....I wonder if, in a way, this is how the Lord sees us.    Like children learning something new.    Not expecting perfection or flawless performance.   But knowing we are in a process that will take time, patience, and a lot of work.    It's easy to beat ourselves up when we make a mistake, fall into an old pattern, or choose sin instead of truth....yet the Lord knows, we cannot just pick up Faith and immediately walk it out perfectly.   He tells us His grace is sufficient for a reason.    Because we are not.    I wonder if He looks at us, as a Father, knowing His ways are best and His instruction solid, yet knowing we will still hit lots of flat notes, and break a few strings.  Knowing that while we will never this side of heaven, play the perfect song, we are well worth the noise.  I know that when we sit in the audience for the first performance and watch Christian play with excitement along side his classmates, the music they have worked so hard to learn will fill us with pride and joy.   The Lord no doubt loves every moment with us because He is a good Father and His love for us, His unwavering heart for His children, covers our mistakes.    I am thankful for these experiences as a parent because they have taught me more about the Father and His love for us, and I hope my music makes Him proud both in my life and through it.   But I am thankful that even in those areas where we lack...He will still sit there and listen to the music.   He will not cover His ears or hide away.    His love covers the mistakes that would otherwise leave our lives a jumble of static so that we can be a beautiful song for His glory.  

Words of Peace

Sorry it has been so long!  I tell you what...moving is a lot of work!   Not that i am complaining or anything...it has been a blast!     A few days ago a good friend came over to see the new house for the first time.  We were chatting and catching up, and got to talking about some of the things God has been showing us lately.   One of the things she said has really made me think these last few days.   She was telling me how she has been challenged to focus on the major role the words we speak play in our lives and in those around us.     How they can bring life, or death.  That what we say affects more then just a thought or action but can affect things on a much deeper spiritual level.   I'm sure we have all heard the saying "if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all"...i find myself saying it occasionally...and sometimes i need to hear it.   When we bought our house one of the things i prayed before we moved in was that the Lords presence would be in the home.   That peace would reign and that anyone who comes into our home would feel that peace.   But as we were talking about our words and the affect they have, i realized that while the presence of the Lord is the first and most important eliment to peace, and i know He is always with us...our words...what we allow, are also an important factor and can significantly affect a situation.  

Proverbs 12:18

"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

 knowing what to say, and what not to say, when to speak and when to hold your tongue...this plays a very large role in peace in a home and as I study this truth more, the more I recognize it in my interactions with others. 

I believe a big part of the power in what we speak, are the words we are proclaiming.  The power in the words we let out of our mouths and into our lives.   

The lies that we allow ourselves to own, to believe and then to speak out to ourselves and to those around us.   The thoughts no one hears that we proclaim over ourselves from years of misunderstood truth or misrepresented emotion.   The hurtful things said to us that we owned as our own without bringing it before the feet of cross where its hold can be broken.   These things can, without our even being aware, impact our lives.   I have felt very convicted to focus on this within my family.    What am i saying that they may hold onto as truth when i spoke out of anger or frustration?   What am i choosing to bring into my home?   What words am I speaking over my stepson?   Am i speaking peace or speaking strife?    

 

Psalm 19:14

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, My rock and my redeemer.”

Recently my stepson didnt get into the before and after school program we use each year.   This was due to a clarical issue not at all our fault but it was going to cause major issues for us with work.  Even though he was put at the top of the waiting list, I started to panic...i started to feel the anxiety rise up in my stomach.   Immediately i thought of every worst case scenario....we could have issues with our job, we may have to pay more for a different type of daycare and so on.   These thoughts...these words...were making a situation that was already challenging, feel far more stressful, and causing tension for my husband who could not control things anymore then I could...i knew this but could not get the thoughts out of my head.   Then a few days later, laying in bed about to go to sleep i decided to pray.    I said "Lord you are faithful.   You have shown me this and i believe it.   If you allow him to not get in, there is a reason and i will trust you.   Your way is better and You are our provider and nothing can change that."  Suddenly peace washed over me.   Suddenly i was no longer worried.    Despite not hearing back from them for a full week after school started, I knew everything would be ok one way or the other.     That God had a plan in it.     I began preparing to adjust my schedule as a worst case scenario solution, and then tuesday morning we got the call he made it in.    While it definitely could have ended differently and we are very thankful...the words i chose to speak over the situation gave me peace either way.   Because they were truth...despite the circumstances they were truth.   

Proverbs 13:3

"Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin"

I think a lot of the way I speak, and you may find this true for yourself, comes from habits formed over time.    Things I have allowed or seen, whether good of bad that I no longer even notice.   Like anything there is practice involved in the act of choosing to watch your words.   Especially when dealing with someone, with whom you have already set the manner in which you interact.   And changing that may be a one sided thing.   But as I think on these scriptures, and I think about our new home and how I long for a place of peace, I know the Lord's heart is for that peace to remain.   And it starts with His presence and our choosing to enter in, and speak words of peace.    

But We Trust in the Name of the Lord

So my husband and I bought a house!

Now if you have been keeping up with my blog posts you understand why this is an incredibly wonderful event.     Through this process, we have seen the Lord move in absolutely amazing ways.   His faithfulness leaves me speechless.    We found out a few days before we closed on my townhouse, that the lease at our apartment was up a month sooner then we thought.  This meant starting the looking process sooner then we had planned in order to find something in time.   So away we went into the land of house hunting.   I should mention that a few days before it all began, I had prayed a rather crazy prayer, that the Lord would lead us to the right house and that my husband and I would independently and collectively know it was the right house.    I prayed that we would only have to submit an offer on that house.   This was a crazy prayer for many reasons.   First the market is so competitive right now, no matter where you look that many people end up looking for weeks, and making offers on multiple houses and still end up with nothing.  Houses are selling while before they even hit the market and people are even resorting to knocking and doors and making offers.   Second, my husband and I don’t often agree when it comes to what we want in a house so finding something that would make both of us happy is quite a challenge.   Third, we do not have the budget to choose whatever location we want.   We had to shop within our budget while staying close enough to my step sons school that we would be able to make the drive without worry, making things limited at best.   We started out day one looking at a few places but did not find anything.    The next evening my real estate agent sent me an email with the subject line reading “Hmmmm….”    Intrigued I opened it to find the most beautiful home we had seen yet, in a great neighborhood and in our budget.   She said the house had been on the market for almost 3 months and she could not figure out why.    We assumed there must have been a major issue and set it aside to aggressively search for what we thought was more realistic.    The next day my agent told me she was going to take us to a few houses but did not tell us which ones or where they were.    So I told the Lord “Lord I know you have a plan, if today is nothing more then a few more houses to check off the list, I know we are getting closer to the right one”.  Fully expecting to find nothing we started off to the first house.     After deciding that it wasn’t a good fit we set off to the second house.   Low and behold it was the house she had sent the night before.   We were blown away that this house was sitting on the market with no offers.  With no major issues, we knew immediately it was the house we wanted…the house the Lord had set aside for us.   Long story short….We made 1 offer, on a house we both fell in love with, in an area we never dreamed possible and got the house!   I am convinced that the Lord prepared this place for us.  Knowing what we would need and what we would want and every single thing we didn’t think to ask for.      I share this not to say ”look at what we have” but to say “Look at what He has done!”    I am boasting in the Father who provides, the God who still answers prayers.   The God that knows us so deeply and so intimately that He can orchestrate something beautiful, even from a mess.     The best part…is that my husband’s family is now seeing what the Lord is doing and has begun asking for prayer and seeking Him in ways they had not done before.   I am humbled and honored to be a part of this story and thankful that we serve a mighty King who can overcome all obstacles.   When it is His will, there is nothing that can stop it.    

Psalm 20:6-7

“Now this I know: The Lord gives victory to His anointed.  He answers him from His heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of His right hand.   Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.”