Just Wait Until You Get Here

Sometimes when i talk i fumble a bit....especially when im having an uncomfortable conversation or talking to someone who makes me nervous.  I imagine in my mind a football player...running for the ball, leaping into the air for a heroic catch only to fall slightly short, losing the ball and helping the other team score.   Dramatic maybe....but then again, i am an artist haha!   i think thats why i like to write...you can rewind, erase, start over.  And no one has to know anything you dont choose for them to know.   Its hard to let someone in, and in writing you can do that carefully, strategically, hiding certain places to only reveal what you allow.  Letting someone see just deep enough to glimpse your heart while still protecting the real depth of emotion, struggle and vulnerability we hold inside.   Well sometimes the things the Lord presses on my heart to write about, push a little beyond my comfort zone.  So I have a choice to make...share something personal and even a bit painful in hopes that it might encourage or inspire someone, or stay quiet.  So here it goes.... I have always had a calling on my life to use my musical gifts and talents for the Lord.   I have known since I was a young girl that I was given a gift and tI wanted nothing more then to use it for Him.....when I moved to Nashville 13 years ago, people asked me why I didn't move to Los Angeles since it was so much closer to San Jose where I grew up.    My answer was simple, I wanted to be where Christian music was thriving because I wanted to follow my calling, and go where I felt He was leading me.   But over this past 13 years, no major doors have opened, no songs have made it to radio, no contracts have come across my table.   At times I look back and feel like I have failed.   And from a worldly standpoint, I have.   Was there more I should have done?  Should be doing now?    Did I miss my chance?   Was I wrong in my choice to move here and not L.A.?  I have asked myself these questions so many times over the last few years.   And prayed over all of it for so long.    Over the last year or so, as I have sought Him on this subject, the Lord, in His kindness has shown me much about what it really means to honor Him with our gifts, some of those things I have even written about, but yet, there it is....that nagging feeling.  It always seems to find me, and begin to stir up doubt, fear, and feelings of discontentment.     I'm 100% percent sure that the enemy wants us to feel useless and defeated because it renders us less effective, and he knows just which buttons to push.  But I do believe that when the Lord gives us a calling, we are suppose to pursue it.   We are suppose to use it.   We are not suppose to hide it under a bushel.    I was reminded this past weekend, that it is His gift He has given to us, and it is not our place to determine how it is used.   And because this truth is so hard to swallow, It's to easy to shy away from the calling.   Just like we hide ourselves from others to protect ourselves.  We choose not give Him full access to our hopes, dreams, and gifts for fear He might say "This is not where I want you to go, or this is not what I planned for you".    The truth is, He knows us so much deeper then we could ever pretend to know ourselves    He knows our strengths and weaknesses and how we can best serve Him.    And until this is a truth we can accept and full surrender too we will never be as affective for the kingdom.    So this got me thinking... What if I applied the scripture Matthew 6:33 "Seek First His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things ill be given to you as well" to this part of my life?   What if instead of perusing what, in my mind, is success, I simply said "Lord, I am Your's use me" and left it as that?  What if I trusted that He knows my heart, He knows my dreams, I don't have to strive for anything except His glory and see what He does through that?   What if obedience means completely letting go?
  SO I have decided that rather then stress out about what I am not doing right, what everyone else is doing, or could be doing differently, I would begin to focus on what the Lord is doing.   
This past sunday I was sitting in church having just led worship, listening to a precious group of freshly graduated high school student share about a trip to China they had just returned from.    They shared about their reluctance to go, the fear they experienced, the challenges they faced.   And every single one, shared how the Lord used the trip in huge ways in their lives both spiritually and personally.   In those sweet moments as I sat listening, I thought "This is what it is all about.   The sweet unseen victories, the kingdom work.   All the sweat and tears on earth that lead to lives changed for all eternity"  and just then I heard the Lord say, "Just wait until you get here, just wait until you see the impact you have had for the kingdom, all the earth will pass away but this will remain.  This is eternal and where your heart should be"   I teared up as I sat there with this new revelation that if there is never a moment on earth where I ever again receive applause or any kind of accolade or notice....it doesn't matter.   All of this fades away but the Lord, and His kingdom are forever.   And each one of us has an impact here that we will see when we get to heaven.    Each one of us is reaching for a prize so much greater then anything we may receive here.   And each one of us has a calling, unique and created just for us.  And seeking first the kingdom means laying down our agenda and desires but it does not mean we are forgotten.    Just because there is no number one hit to claim, or a song on national radio, doesn't mean you aren't successful.  Maybe it's time we start looking at things differently...success differently.   I pray for Kingdom eyes to see and a heart that longs for His glory alone and not my own.    Seeking Him first.